Maybe one more

I wanted to share these lyrics because I find them highly ironic. I found this song in December so, it makes it even more unreal.

Smiles and her laughter
It's the only thing that I've been waiting for a time
Regardless of our distance and our hope...grows greater
Trapped by pretty eyes and letters for all time
The only thing that I've been waiting for.
I hope it's something worth the waiting
'Cause it's the only time that I ever feel real
Thunder storms could never stop me
'Cause there's no one in the world like
Emily She's simple yet confusing
Her sparkling eyes make me weak at my words, they tremble
Days seem like years in this month of December
The winter coldens me for I have yet to sleep
And never will I give up trying 'cause you're everything to me
I hope it's something worth the waiting
It's the only time that I ever feel real
'Cause thunder storms could never stop me
'Cause there's no one in the world like Emily
There's no one in the world like Emily.

"Emily" -From First to Last

Decision

It is my decision to post this, understanding what could happen to me if I do. BUT. Her best friend told me that she would really appreciate knowing that I care about her. I was scared, still kind of am scared, to post anything on here. But that was until I realized that saying nothing could be worse. I cannot say everything that I would like to n here, but I will say what matters most. I can't turn away from something that she could need in the next two months in regards to her sister's illness. The rest of it, we can figure out in sixty days if she wants.

The point of this post... Her best friend messaged me on facebook and told me of her sisters illness. My first reaction... was of her. To make sure that she was okay and that she could safely handle what is going on with her sister. My second reaction, was that I did not want her to go through all of this alone. I know she has her family and at this point in time that may be enough for her and that is a good thing. My third reaction, the indescribable need for me to help her. My fourth reaction, which came at nine o'clock that night and resulted in an hours worth of driving... to find her. It may be a bad reaction, but I couldn't help it then. The urge to give her a hug and tell her that everything would be okay was too strong.

I believe I saw her driving on my way home from work that night but I can't be sure. I think I have seen her driving multiple times but I can't be sure. That thought alone could drive me nuts. After shooting hoops tonight I went home to meet the father's girlfriends long lost never known about cousin and on my way home, I saw the green thing I always look for, slammed on my breaks and hoped. But I couldn't very well sit on 135th.

I will continue to ramble on things I have wanted to post for forever, but have ended up in my notebook. If I don't shut myself up now then I never will. The point: I do care, very much, I love her, and I want to be there for her.

I am not sure if I will have the courage to post again because I'm not sure of anyone's stance on anything as it pertains to me and still caring for her, still loving her. But I didn't think I could make it through the next week again without doing something. Sadly, this is about as much as I can do without invitation.

p.s. in therapy, this was discussed. My therapist said that she was glad that it wasn't ____ (the woman I love). I told her that if it had been her, I would have already broken every single rule laid out in front of me. All of them, regardless of the consequences.

Debating

Just typed four possible posts to put up here. They all say the same thing in different ways. I've been contemplating it since seven. I'm scared. Ugh. It'll come.