I've realized throughout my break so far, that I am stronger than I thought. This year brings new life in every shape, size, and form. This time last year I was pining over a girl that had said she hated me amongst other things, for months. This time, I have given up on any chance with her. The last time I saw her, I slipped my hands away from the hold I had on her, slowly got out of her car, and never looked back. I didn't watch her drive away, and I didn't wonder if she'd come back. I said goodbye as soon as I shut that door.
New life means for me, the opportunity to better myself, and to be a better person in general for those I love. I can't wait to come back to school and see all of my friends, I used to never want to do that. I can't wait to see what my classes bring for me this semester. I'm so excited for life in general that I am absolutely amazed by my enthusiasm every day.
Goals for this semester, start off strong in school, no slacking off in the first week. Lessen the amount of coke that I drink every day. Brush my teeth four times a day instead of three if I happen to have more coke a day that I am supposed to. No more fast food. Work out five times a week. Earn enough money to pay back my debt. Try to actually date.
I've also decided this past week or two, that I want to go study abroad in Africa. They have many battered women's and children's shelters there, and I feel as though the work over in Africa, like Social Work in America, can never be finished. As far as my duties there, I can, in addition to helping at the shelter, I'll be helping to advocate for human and women's rights. Yes, women in most parts of Africa have VERY little rights. Mostly none at all. I would be a part of a team that specifically acts against the government to purely fight for rights of people in general. I would be helping make history in a place that no one expects to ever hear about in daily news. I have always wanted to change this world somehow, and as change is never done by one person, I want to become a part of change in advocacy, the only way we can all come together for one huge, radical change.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Monday, December 22, 2008
Oww.
Today I had four cavities filled. I have never had a cavity in my life. It was depressing. And all I wanted was for someone to be there. To tell someone that they are the only person I wanted to go through pain with. I texted them throughout the procedure and I immediately seemed to calm down through minimal conversation. I wish I could have that again. I want someone to hold me at night. So I can turn on my side and they can wrap their arms around me. I want to feel safe when I go to sleep. Life sucks. And good girls always lose.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Because I really wanted to...
So... The other day on facebook, a friend tagged me in a note that required me to in turn, write sixteen things people didn't know about me. Well, that list ended up fostering a list close to a hundred things. As I could only put sixteen down on facebook due to the requirements, I decided to place them here, because I find my list truly interesting. Here it goes, fifty things MOST people don't know about me.
1. I love writing in a dimly lit room, even though it's bad for my eyes.
2. I love the fifty cent packs of papermate, blue ink, rollerball pens that you buy at wal mart, I've still yet to find a pen I can write as fluidly with.
3. Children bring me the greatest joy. I am the pied piper for children, and I love it.
4. I hold a pillow when I sleep so I don't feel alone at night.
5. Being held in exactly the right way, with no words being spoken, is the fastest way I give trust.
6. I miss my oakley's every day.
7. My favourite composer is Beethoven, and my favourite composition or song composed by him is "Moonlight Sonata"
8. My only wish is to never feel pain.
9. I love my iPod. My love for it has truly reached the "true love" level.
10. Some days, I feel the wind shift in a certain way and wonder if it's my grandmother reaching out to me in some way.
11. I used to hate February and March. Now I look forward to making those months amazing for once.
12. I've learned to forget what a temperature feels like, as well as being sick.
13. I have a specific way I eat string cheese. It's not the same if I don't eat it the same way every time.
14. I love being goofy. I believe it is true insight into the kind of person I am when people tend to think me so serious.
15. I was abused as a child. I don't regret it, and I'd never change it. I am who I am now because of it.
16. I never give up on people, and I pride myself on that.
17. I wish I would have fought against my mother as a child.
18. I hate flying on planes, unless I have taken two dramamine so I am not truly conscious for the flight.
19. My favourite song is "Change" by Deftones.
20. I love socks. They keep my feet warm, and make me feel more secure. I change socks twice a day just because I can.
21. I love photography. I believe that it is a true art form that captures the essence of life for what it actually is, and I love being a part of it.
22. My favourite painter is impressionist Vincent Van Gogh. My favourite painting of his is his self portrait of 1879. The story behind him cutting off his ear, and the self portraits that followed, tug at my heart in an unimaginable way.
23. I miss having a relationship with my brother. I think that I would be truly whole if we were to reconnect again.
24. My favourite golf company is Ping. They are not to be reckoned with.
25. My senior year of high school I had 34 scars on my left arm and 40 on my right arm.
26. I have repressed memories from my childhood, and the surface five times a week, and then are followed by more repression.
27. My favourite book is "A Child Called It" by Dave Pelzer
28. Soft things like blankets and pillows make my world go round.
29. I love my car. It's cute, but tough as hell, and she loves me back.
30. I have an unhealthy obsession with tennis shoes.
31. I love the organization To Write Love on Her Arms (check it out) I believe that it saves lives and I am proud to wear their shirts.
32. Guitaro Hero is one of my best friends. Sad, but true.
33. I suffered from depression from the time I was six, until fifth grade.
34. Golf is the only pure thing in my life, and is based solely off of my own success or failure in each swing.
35. I fell in love with a girl in two months time, and only had her for a week. I still wonder how long I'll continue to love her.
36. I hate running, but I love going on bike rides.
37. I still love shooting hoops, even though I don't want to play basketball for a team.
38. I love orange juice.
39. I'm ADD, and the medicine I take to control it can take away my ability to have more than a meal a day.
40. I firmly believe that using tanning beds is a WIMPY and cheap way to get a tan. Not to mention unhealthy.
41. I cannot stand when people use letters instead of words in text messages. Example: "U" instead of "You".......UGH.
42. I love doing my nails, well, trimming them and making sure my cuticles are cut back. I love my hands and if they are not perfect, I don't feel right.
43. I organize and title my burned cd's by the date in which they were burned so that when I look back through them I know exactly what happened on that day to make me want to burn that cd.
44. If my bed isn't made before I get into it to sleep, I frantically wonder if it will bug me. And it always does.
45. I love McDonalds cookies and coke. In fact, I have an unhealthy obsession with those too. So unhealthy that as soon as I am done posting this, I am going to purchase both of those things.
46. Colby jack cheese, triscuits, and mandarin oranges is the best snack ever.
47. I love doughnuts. I can eat a dozen to myself in one sitting.
48. I love my alarm clock. It has saved my academic career many times.
49. I think I am an amazing kisser, and that I can floor anyone by one kiss.
50. Most days, I wonder how women miss me, when I have so much to offer. And now it doesn't even seem to matter.
I had many to choose from, and some day I will post the rest of those. But for me, it is work tomorrow, more healing to do from today's SHIT events, and at the end of it all, I must slap a smile on. Actually, smiling isn't that hard with the guys at my work. Ha ha, goodnight all.
1. I love writing in a dimly lit room, even though it's bad for my eyes.
2. I love the fifty cent packs of papermate, blue ink, rollerball pens that you buy at wal mart, I've still yet to find a pen I can write as fluidly with.
3. Children bring me the greatest joy. I am the pied piper for children, and I love it.
4. I hold a pillow when I sleep so I don't feel alone at night.
5. Being held in exactly the right way, with no words being spoken, is the fastest way I give trust.
6. I miss my oakley's every day.
7. My favourite composer is Beethoven, and my favourite composition or song composed by him is "Moonlight Sonata"
8. My only wish is to never feel pain.
9. I love my iPod. My love for it has truly reached the "true love" level.
10. Some days, I feel the wind shift in a certain way and wonder if it's my grandmother reaching out to me in some way.
11. I used to hate February and March. Now I look forward to making those months amazing for once.
12. I've learned to forget what a temperature feels like, as well as being sick.
13. I have a specific way I eat string cheese. It's not the same if I don't eat it the same way every time.
14. I love being goofy. I believe it is true insight into the kind of person I am when people tend to think me so serious.
15. I was abused as a child. I don't regret it, and I'd never change it. I am who I am now because of it.
16. I never give up on people, and I pride myself on that.
17. I wish I would have fought against my mother as a child.
18. I hate flying on planes, unless I have taken two dramamine so I am not truly conscious for the flight.
19. My favourite song is "Change" by Deftones.
20. I love socks. They keep my feet warm, and make me feel more secure. I change socks twice a day just because I can.
21. I love photography. I believe that it is a true art form that captures the essence of life for what it actually is, and I love being a part of it.
22. My favourite painter is impressionist Vincent Van Gogh. My favourite painting of his is his self portrait of 1879. The story behind him cutting off his ear, and the self portraits that followed, tug at my heart in an unimaginable way.
23. I miss having a relationship with my brother. I think that I would be truly whole if we were to reconnect again.
24. My favourite golf company is Ping. They are not to be reckoned with.
25. My senior year of high school I had 34 scars on my left arm and 40 on my right arm.
26. I have repressed memories from my childhood, and the surface five times a week, and then are followed by more repression.
27. My favourite book is "A Child Called It" by Dave Pelzer
28. Soft things like blankets and pillows make my world go round.
29. I love my car. It's cute, but tough as hell, and she loves me back.
30. I have an unhealthy obsession with tennis shoes.
31. I love the organization To Write Love on Her Arms (check it out) I believe that it saves lives and I am proud to wear their shirts.
32. Guitaro Hero is one of my best friends. Sad, but true.
33. I suffered from depression from the time I was six, until fifth grade.
34. Golf is the only pure thing in my life, and is based solely off of my own success or failure in each swing.
35. I fell in love with a girl in two months time, and only had her for a week. I still wonder how long I'll continue to love her.
36. I hate running, but I love going on bike rides.
37. I still love shooting hoops, even though I don't want to play basketball for a team.
38. I love orange juice.
39. I'm ADD, and the medicine I take to control it can take away my ability to have more than a meal a day.
40. I firmly believe that using tanning beds is a WIMPY and cheap way to get a tan. Not to mention unhealthy.
41. I cannot stand when people use letters instead of words in text messages. Example: "U" instead of "You".......UGH.
42. I love doing my nails, well, trimming them and making sure my cuticles are cut back. I love my hands and if they are not perfect, I don't feel right.
43. I organize and title my burned cd's by the date in which they were burned so that when I look back through them I know exactly what happened on that day to make me want to burn that cd.
44. If my bed isn't made before I get into it to sleep, I frantically wonder if it will bug me. And it always does.
45. I love McDonalds cookies and coke. In fact, I have an unhealthy obsession with those too. So unhealthy that as soon as I am done posting this, I am going to purchase both of those things.
46. Colby jack cheese, triscuits, and mandarin oranges is the best snack ever.
47. I love doughnuts. I can eat a dozen to myself in one sitting.
48. I love my alarm clock. It has saved my academic career many times.
49. I think I am an amazing kisser, and that I can floor anyone by one kiss.
50. Most days, I wonder how women miss me, when I have so much to offer. And now it doesn't even seem to matter.
I had many to choose from, and some day I will post the rest of those. But for me, it is work tomorrow, more healing to do from today's SHIT events, and at the end of it all, I must slap a smile on. Actually, smiling isn't that hard with the guys at my work. Ha ha, goodnight all.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Different year, different everything.
It's truly amazing to me how things have changed. I can't seem to get over it. Seeing the light and truth in things I never thought possible is the most amazing of them all. I finally see what this life has to offer me beyond to possibility of love and a life long relationship. Finally, I am happy by myself and I am content in being alone now. I have built a strong attachment to music and the lyrics I hear in the songs I play every day are what get me through each morning, afternoon, and night. I have finally seen what I need to see about my last relationship in both who I am and what that relationship had to offer me. In giving every thing I have to this person and having it put back in my face, I realized that I am an extremely good person and girlfriend. I have messed up in the past, but I know now the person I want to be, and I do everything I can to be exactly that person. The friends I have found this year have truly shown me what it is like to live life for myself, and I love it. They have been there for me on countless occasions, and have pulled me through every hard time I have gone through this semester. I consider myself extremely lucky to have the support system that I have had.
In looking back, I will always love my ex. Everyone's first true love will always have a place in their heart, and it's hard to keep from missing them. But when we look at who we are, sometimes the things we find in ourselves, are the strongest assets we have to offer and often pave the way for a bright future for us without our first love. Being left gave me the insight I needed to become a better person, and I know now, that I will never cause someone the pain I have felt. It is my job to treat the people I love with the utmost respect, so that they never have to wonder how I truly feel about them. This is the year, month, day, hour, second, that I learn to help every one I can, and to expect that I am treated in the same way. This is the time where I realize I am more than someone that can be taken advantage of. This minute I say no more to being walked on, stepped over, or looked past. I am me, and that has always been good enough for my family and friends...now it is good enough for me.
In looking back, I will always love my ex. Everyone's first true love will always have a place in their heart, and it's hard to keep from missing them. But when we look at who we are, sometimes the things we find in ourselves, are the strongest assets we have to offer and often pave the way for a bright future for us without our first love. Being left gave me the insight I needed to become a better person, and I know now, that I will never cause someone the pain I have felt. It is my job to treat the people I love with the utmost respect, so that they never have to wonder how I truly feel about them. This is the year, month, day, hour, second, that I learn to help every one I can, and to expect that I am treated in the same way. This is the time where I realize I am more than someone that can be taken advantage of. This minute I say no more to being walked on, stepped over, or looked past. I am me, and that has always been good enough for my family and friends...now it is good enough for me.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Same date, different year.
I realized this morning that this time last year I still had my braces on. This is a very weird thought as I am both glad to have them off, and worried that my teeth have shifted beyond all help. (Yes, I freak about my teeth.) I also remembered that my grandmother passed away on the twenty second of December last year, and that I had to call my family to find out how she was doing, in which they informed me she had passed about ten hours ago that morning. I have an amazing family on my mothers side... not so much. It's amazing to think of what this year has brought, what things are the same and what things have changed. Last year on August 24th my girlfriend broke up with me, this year on September tenth she broke up with me again. Last year I was stupid and immature, this year I am no longer stupid and have matured greatly, not that I wasn't always mature, just that I have matured even more. I have been more than four years more mature than people my age since I was in fifth grade, a sad thought, but kind of cool in a way. Last year I learned about being faithful in relationships, and this year I have learned that honesty no matter the hurt it causes, is always better. I've learned that I help people out no matter what the cost, even if they are my ex and it kills me to help her when she loves someone else. I have learned that although everything seems so hard right now, that I am still a good person when it comes down to it. I have done my fair share of messing up, but I have also taken the time to learn from my mistakes so that they are not repeated.
I am still healing from September, and I am still healing from all the times my ex has come back. I'm learning to let go now, and I never thought I'd be able to do that. As I will be blogging later today I assume, I thought I'd put down the lyrics that mean the most to me right now.
I went outside to take a walk
So I could relive memories
I thought that you would lend a hand
But you were never ever there
It's all in your mind
You do what you wanna do
Your promises are all played out
You've got your wish you've worn me down
I treated you the best I could
I realize that I don't need you
I lost my way when you left home
I thought that you could change your life
What did I do why do you lie
You've walked back in my hands are tied
I'm tired I'm so damn angry With you
Your not gonna change
I see who you really are
Your promises your promises
They're all played out
Your so played out your so played out
There all played out
"Promises" - Adema
I am still healing from September, and I am still healing from all the times my ex has come back. I'm learning to let go now, and I never thought I'd be able to do that. As I will be blogging later today I assume, I thought I'd put down the lyrics that mean the most to me right now.
I went outside to take a walk
So I could relive memories
I thought that you would lend a hand
But you were never ever there
It's all in your mind
You do what you wanna do
Your promises are all played out
You've got your wish you've worn me down
I treated you the best I could
I realize that I don't need you
I lost my way when you left home
I thought that you could change your life
What did I do why do you lie
You've walked back in my hands are tied
I'm tired I'm so damn angry With you
Your not gonna change
I see who you really are
Your promises your promises
They're all played out
Your so played out your so played out
There all played out
"Promises" - Adema
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Ahh Tuesday's
I never thought that I would start blogging again, but as one of I'd like to call my close friends put her blog address up on facebook, I figured it was time to start again. My ex, who absolutely ravaged my heart, introduced me to the world of blogging. When she broke up with me just this September, I felt I could no longer blog and in turn deleted my blog. So thank you my close little friend for bringing me back into blogging so I can heal in yet another way.
It's Tuesday, apparently, and it's SNOWING. I love snow, except for the part where the last time it snowed I got into a car accident. There is nothing better than walking outside into something completely pure and finding that in some way it compeltely cleanses you of any depression, minimal sadness, and fills you with calmness. At least that's what it does for me. Every time it snows I go straight to my computer and make up a new cd, naming it with the current date, and then I run right out to my car, new cd in hand and drive for what seems like hours. Sadly, this bliss cannot last all day as I still have to yet return to reality.
I'm attempting to think of a purpose for this blog, as I figure it would be better if it had a purpose. But I can't seem to think of any purpose this could have... SO, I will use this blog for all of my lyrics (because I find at least five sets of new lyrics everyday that apply to my life), and a place for me to ramble. It's easier than writing, although writing does give some comfort at the physical exertion of actually thinking of something worthwhile to write. But I guess in essence this does the same thing.
Now, like I said before, my cd has just finished burning...so I am off to drive (without any accidents).
It's Tuesday, apparently, and it's SNOWING. I love snow, except for the part where the last time it snowed I got into a car accident. There is nothing better than walking outside into something completely pure and finding that in some way it compeltely cleanses you of any depression, minimal sadness, and fills you with calmness. At least that's what it does for me. Every time it snows I go straight to my computer and make up a new cd, naming it with the current date, and then I run right out to my car, new cd in hand and drive for what seems like hours. Sadly, this bliss cannot last all day as I still have to yet return to reality.
I'm attempting to think of a purpose for this blog, as I figure it would be better if it had a purpose. But I can't seem to think of any purpose this could have... SO, I will use this blog for all of my lyrics (because I find at least five sets of new lyrics everyday that apply to my life), and a place for me to ramble. It's easier than writing, although writing does give some comfort at the physical exertion of actually thinking of something worthwhile to write. But I guess in essence this does the same thing.
Now, like I said before, my cd has just finished burning...so I am off to drive (without any accidents).
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