I don't care how I came to know this song. It now holds new meaning for me in a much more defined and profound way than I ever could have imagined.
When I see your smile
Tears roll down my face I can't replace
And now that I'm strong I have figured out
How this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul
And I know I'll find deep inside me I can be the one
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven
It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.
Seasons are changing
And waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you I'll be the one
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven
Cuz you're my, you're my, my, my true love, my whole heart
Please don't throw that away
Cuz I'm here for you
Please don't walk away and Please tell me you'll stay woah, stay woah
Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know I'll be okay
Though my skies are turning gray
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven
It's the last line. I'll do anything to save her.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Work
I'm hungry, and my back hurts. I woke up at nine to work out this morning. That didn't happen. Instead I hammered two pieces of toast and called it good. Two more hours. Only two.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Failed attempts....
So. We drove around a lot, after shooting hoops for about seven minutes. It's 9:43 and I am home for the evening and everyone is going out. Em is going to her boys house, meg is with her boyfriend from out of town and courtney is going to party...as usual.
So, to back up to tonights festivities. We shot hoops, which entailed em running up and down the parking lot screaming like a fool, then she laid on her back, then she spun in circles until she made herself dizzy and then...well then we started contemplating what to do next. So we went for a drive. I wanted to see my girl but we didn't know how to make it happen. So em almost called her, and then almost texted her, but couldn't find her number in my phone. I was scared that I'd get her into trouble. So I was all excited for these massive plans to make something happen and then we ended up driving around Olathe listening to Pieces by Red (look it up, trust me, my new found song for things), going to sonic, then to old navy so em could shop and then to Borders so I could check out the new post secret book, and then here we are back at school. I'm a little mad I couldn't make something happen, but I guess I'm just protecting her even though I really wanted to make all of my genius plans work. Urgggggg. Off to watch movies in the room as soon as the girls leave.
So, to back up to tonights festivities. We shot hoops, which entailed em running up and down the parking lot screaming like a fool, then she laid on her back, then she spun in circles until she made herself dizzy and then...well then we started contemplating what to do next. So we went for a drive. I wanted to see my girl but we didn't know how to make it happen. So em almost called her, and then almost texted her, but couldn't find her number in my phone. I was scared that I'd get her into trouble. So I was all excited for these massive plans to make something happen and then we ended up driving around Olathe listening to Pieces by Red (look it up, trust me, my new found song for things), going to sonic, then to old navy so em could shop and then to Borders so I could check out the new post secret book, and then here we are back at school. I'm a little mad I couldn't make something happen, but I guess I'm just protecting her even though I really wanted to make all of my genius plans work. Urgggggg. Off to watch movies in the room as soon as the girls leave.
Smoothie = Heaven
I haven't had a smoothie in two months. It was like heaven. I almost sent golf balls back, then almost called, but then I saw she LEFT. :)
Em and I are going to shoot hoops. Of course, will write more later.
Em and I are going to shoot hoops. Of course, will write more later.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Woman. I may smack her.
Bothering me? Really?
I just had a really bad night and needed those arms more than ever and she thinks she's bothering me by writing me when I check my mailbox everyday? Really? URG! This is me being pissy which is kind of a role reversal. I'm usually the cute cheery one. I could smack a hoe. I'm not really angry, just a bit worried. If she would rather not send letters so that she can move on for the time being and just be happy until we can be together again then I am more than fine with that. I want her to do whatever she needs to do be okay. I'll be here no matter what in the end, no matter who she turns out to be or what she wants for herself. I will always love her for the good in her heart, the way she smiles, the way she laughs, the way that no matter how bad my day is, just looking at her makes everything perfect again, and incredibly, for the fact that I know some part of her will always love me.
I want her to get the help she needs so that she can be happy and healthy when we can be together again. I don't care if I get blamed. I can't live with myself if I know that she isn't going to be happy. No one understands the things I'll do to ensure that she can be happy for now. Even if it means I'll hurt myself in doing it, I'll give everything I can so that she can truly be safe and happy during this time apart. I'm not keeping myself incredibly busy with making myself a better person, working at my internship, and trying to be a good team mate because I want to end up single in four months. Absolutely not. It's so that I can be the best possible person I can be for when that day comes. And if it comes and passes without a word from her then I will deal with that and hope for the best for her. At this rate it looks like everything is going to be fine, which is what I have thought the entire time. This was seriously the best present I could have been given on a friday other than last friday.
I've been having a pretty rough week and I've felt like I need her to just hold me so I can cry and finally feel better. That's the only way I can cry on command. Other times it's beyond my control.
We're watching movies tonight and I actually work tomorrow for once, assuming I get to bed early, it should be a good day tomorrow.
P.S. Mizzou is an hour and a half away. :) No big deal. And I am proud. Incredibly proud!
I just had a really bad night and needed those arms more than ever and she thinks she's bothering me by writing me when I check my mailbox everyday? Really? URG! This is me being pissy which is kind of a role reversal. I'm usually the cute cheery one. I could smack a hoe. I'm not really angry, just a bit worried. If she would rather not send letters so that she can move on for the time being and just be happy until we can be together again then I am more than fine with that. I want her to do whatever she needs to do be okay. I'll be here no matter what in the end, no matter who she turns out to be or what she wants for herself. I will always love her for the good in her heart, the way she smiles, the way she laughs, the way that no matter how bad my day is, just looking at her makes everything perfect again, and incredibly, for the fact that I know some part of her will always love me.
I want her to get the help she needs so that she can be happy and healthy when we can be together again. I don't care if I get blamed. I can't live with myself if I know that she isn't going to be happy. No one understands the things I'll do to ensure that she can be happy for now. Even if it means I'll hurt myself in doing it, I'll give everything I can so that she can truly be safe and happy during this time apart. I'm not keeping myself incredibly busy with making myself a better person, working at my internship, and trying to be a good team mate because I want to end up single in four months. Absolutely not. It's so that I can be the best possible person I can be for when that day comes. And if it comes and passes without a word from her then I will deal with that and hope for the best for her. At this rate it looks like everything is going to be fine, which is what I have thought the entire time. This was seriously the best present I could have been given on a friday other than last friday.
I've been having a pretty rough week and I've felt like I need her to just hold me so I can cry and finally feel better. That's the only way I can cry on command. Other times it's beyond my control.
We're watching movies tonight and I actually work tomorrow for once, assuming I get to bed early, it should be a good day tomorrow.
P.S. Mizzou is an hour and a half away. :) No big deal. And I am proud. Incredibly proud!
Rough night
Usually I fall asleep with no problem, and the only way it happens is if I think about those arms. I needed that so badly last night. I needed it to be real. I woke up thinking she was right next to me, I could actually FEEL it. URG. This does not make for a good day. Hence why the hug is needed. I just want her to be happy, in every way while I can't be there. I wish that her mom would allow her to talk to me, or at least something. I've changed drastically from before. I'm still the same humble person, I just conduct myself and my actions very differently.
P.S. - It's four months now:)
P.S. - It's four months now:)
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Hugs would be really good
Apologies for the lack of posting. I do believe my period has had me in a bit of a sleeping trance. I went to class this morning, got done at eleven, took a drive, came back around twelve and went to sleep until one and then left for an appointment. After my appointment I went to get a drink, came back to school and slept until five thirty. It's really not good that I have slept this much. And to top it off I feel like I could cry at any moment. I really, truly, do not see the point in allowing high amounts of estrogen and hormones to run through women like it's no big deal. Does god not see this issues those two biological factors cause? It really is quite unfair.
The only way I get to sleep on night like tonight is to imagine the one thing that has calmed me down for so long now. It works every night.
P.s. There is a guy running around our campus that isn't supposed to be here. He's looking into peoples rooms and walking in the classrooms. I hope he gets the bright idea to come into our room now that I'm done watching movies with the girls. I'll kick his face in.
I'm not exhausted but I am at the same time. This is so not good. Ugh.
The only way I get to sleep on night like tonight is to imagine the one thing that has calmed me down for so long now. It works every night.
P.s. There is a guy running around our campus that isn't supposed to be here. He's looking into peoples rooms and walking in the classrooms. I hope he gets the bright idea to come into our room now that I'm done watching movies with the girls. I'll kick his face in.
I'm not exhausted but I am at the same time. This is so not good. Ugh.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Letters From the Sky
one of these days
the sky's gonna break
and everything will escape
and i'll know
one of these days
the mountains are gonna fall into the sea
and they'll know
that you and i were made for this
i was made to taste your kiss
we were made to never fall away
never fall away
one of these days letters are gonna fall from the sky
telling us all to go free
but until that day i'll find a way to let everybody know that you're coming back,
you're coming back for me
cause even though you left me here i have nothing left to fear
these are only walls that hold me here
hold me here, hold me here
one day soon i'll hold you like the sunholds the moon
and we will hear those planes overhead
and we won't have to be scared
we won't have to be scared,
we won't have to be scared
you're coming back for me
you're coming back for me
you're coming back to me
Minus the leaving me here part, it's a very good song.
the sky's gonna break
and everything will escape
and i'll know
one of these days
the mountains are gonna fall into the sea
and they'll know
that you and i were made for this
i was made to taste your kiss
we were made to never fall away
never fall away
one of these days letters are gonna fall from the sky
telling us all to go free
but until that day i'll find a way to let everybody know that you're coming back,
you're coming back for me
cause even though you left me here i have nothing left to fear
these are only walls that hold me here
hold me here, hold me here
one day soon i'll hold you like the sunholds the moon
and we will hear those planes overhead
and we won't have to be scared
we won't have to be scared,
we won't have to be scared
you're coming back for me
you're coming back for me
you're coming back to me
Minus the leaving me here part, it's a very good song.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Cramps, apparently Seasonique doesn't help.
I haven't experienced cramps in at least a year. My cramps used to be so bad that I'd be curled up in bed for hours at a time. I have a very strong feeling that's where this situation is headed. I need a hug and some arms from the giant. Owwwww.
Today was a pretty long day. I had a meeting at nine thirty, then I went to Topeka for a home visit and then I came back to the office to type up all of the necessary paperwork for a placement for one of my kids. I love knowing I'm helping these kids. It's interesting to meet some of the kids that have gang affiliations, the ones who have been sexually abused, the ones who have actually been the abusers, the ones with previous drug problems....there are way too many stories to cover in one post. All in all, this job is incredibly interesting, but I feel as though I should aim for something that pays higher. This level of work is valued a lot, but it's not paid or rewarded enough. Random note...watching Just Married. The part where they are laying in bed in this ugly run-down hotel, and the cockroach crawls on his neck.....yeah, that'd be me. I've decided. I saw my first live cockroach one day at the agency and almost reacted that way without even having touched it.
I feel exhausted but I know I shouldn't considering I took a thirty minute nap in between breakfast and my meeting. I do however think it would be a bright idea to get a jumpstart on my homework, especially since I spent most of the evening pissed off. My assistant coach, who is now apparently the "head" coach, told me that she's not letting me work my job during the spring. As soon as those words somehow gracefully flowed out of her mouth I had to fight back the urge not to rip her a new one on the spot. I CANNOT stand to be pushed around my someone who will lord my scholarship over my head to make me do anything she pleases. I am an independent woman and I will not have someone force me to ask my father for help, ever. She's incredibly lucky that I kept my racing thoughts to myself.
Okay writing about this is making me more angry. I'm going to just imagine the hug and backrub I need. Homework time.
Today was a pretty long day. I had a meeting at nine thirty, then I went to Topeka for a home visit and then I came back to the office to type up all of the necessary paperwork for a placement for one of my kids. I love knowing I'm helping these kids. It's interesting to meet some of the kids that have gang affiliations, the ones who have been sexually abused, the ones who have actually been the abusers, the ones with previous drug problems....there are way too many stories to cover in one post. All in all, this job is incredibly interesting, but I feel as though I should aim for something that pays higher. This level of work is valued a lot, but it's not paid or rewarded enough. Random note...watching Just Married. The part where they are laying in bed in this ugly run-down hotel, and the cockroach crawls on his neck.....yeah, that'd be me. I've decided. I saw my first live cockroach one day at the agency and almost reacted that way without even having touched it.
I feel exhausted but I know I shouldn't considering I took a thirty minute nap in between breakfast and my meeting. I do however think it would be a bright idea to get a jumpstart on my homework, especially since I spent most of the evening pissed off. My assistant coach, who is now apparently the "head" coach, told me that she's not letting me work my job during the spring. As soon as those words somehow gracefully flowed out of her mouth I had to fight back the urge not to rip her a new one on the spot. I CANNOT stand to be pushed around my someone who will lord my scholarship over my head to make me do anything she pleases. I am an independent woman and I will not have someone force me to ask my father for help, ever. She's incredibly lucky that I kept my racing thoughts to myself.
Okay writing about this is making me more angry. I'm going to just imagine the hug and backrub I need. Homework time.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Sore...kind of.
I've been working out pretty hard since June. I am finding that I have a hard time feeling sore the next morning. It's really tragic. I have made sure to work out even more since september so that when the time comes I have a body to be proud of for the special day. I know I am loved regardless, I guess it just gives me an extra reason to keep working out.
Just looked at the news earlier and saw something REALLY ugly. "Blue Valley West - Our School Is Cool"..........
.............
...... .. . ......
Really?
Ha ha ha. Minus the west and it'd be awesome.
Tomorrow is going to be a pretty interesting day. I have a meeting with a professor at nine thirty and then I have to head straight to the agency so I can go out to Topeka to see one of my families. Then I get to meet with my coach on my apparent plan to work on my swing over the winter.....I don't have one and I'm not sure I'm going to formulate one. I'm pretty sure I'm just going to work so I can actually have money. I hate not working, it makes me feel like an unproductive citizen.
Time to watch the rest of the Tool Academy 2 Season Finale. I love this show!
Just looked at the news earlier and saw something REALLY ugly. "Blue Valley West - Our School Is Cool"..........
.............
...... .. . ......
Really?
Ha ha ha. Minus the west and it'd be awesome.
Tomorrow is going to be a pretty interesting day. I have a meeting with a professor at nine thirty and then I have to head straight to the agency so I can go out to Topeka to see one of my families. Then I get to meet with my coach on my apparent plan to work on my swing over the winter.....I don't have one and I'm not sure I'm going to formulate one. I'm pretty sure I'm just going to work so I can actually have money. I hate not working, it makes me feel like an unproductive citizen.
Time to watch the rest of the Tool Academy 2 Season Finale. I love this show!
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Ohh the Almost.
I've changed, it's because of her, and I couldn't imagine a better person to change for.
Windows down, our moods on ten
We're here with our wondering
Is this all perfect for real?
Is perfection the way that we feel?
Postcards from the dollar bin
We're waiting for our luck to spin
I will change my mindI won't let us lose
You and me
With the windows down
You and me out
And killing this town
You and me
With our souls on ten
It's just you and me again
Our luck is the way we feel
Our time is moving backward
Still you and me
With our souls on high
It's just you and me tonight
You've changed my mind
About who I've been
You've kept this heart
From wondering am I alive or dead?
Am I alive or dead?
My brain is moving differently
My young soul has figured out
Just what life needs to be
Just what life needs to be
There's no use in changing
For myself, I don't know why
But it took you, it took you
Now I know what this is all about
Now I know what this is all about
Now I know what this is all about
"Souls On Ten" - The Almost
Windows down, our moods on ten
We're here with our wondering
Is this all perfect for real?
Is perfection the way that we feel?
Postcards from the dollar bin
We're waiting for our luck to spin
I will change my mindI won't let us lose
You and me
With the windows down
You and me out
And killing this town
You and me
With our souls on ten
It's just you and me again
Our luck is the way we feel
Our time is moving backward
Still you and me
With our souls on high
It's just you and me tonight
You've changed my mind
About who I've been
You've kept this heart
From wondering am I alive or dead?
Am I alive or dead?
My brain is moving differently
My young soul has figured out
Just what life needs to be
Just what life needs to be
There's no use in changing
For myself, I don't know why
But it took you, it took you
Now I know what this is all about
Now I know what this is all about
Now I know what this is all about
"Souls On Ten" - The Almost
Read My Mind
That's EXACTLY what I thought when I saw the sunset! EXACTLY. Man. It's like my other half is out there somewhere. Hmmmmmmm. What a thought eh?
I just spent four hours cleaning my car. I could have easily spent six. I kind of wish I had but other obligations got in the way. Now I have to shower, so I don't smell like wax, go to dinner with my family and decide if I want to go boy hunting for one of the girls on the golf team or sit with the girls upstairs like every other night. I'm going to venture to say I'll be with the girls. SPEAKING of the girls. Wanna know how your a good friend? When you have to sit face to face with one of your best friends and tell her you heard that her boyfriend cheated on her. THEN you have to take care of her after she decides that it's time to drink (she's never drank like that before and won't ever again.) She took two major swigs of vodka and then had two glasses mixed with lemonade. That is the most drunk I have ever seen her. So needless to say I took care of her until two thirty when our other best friend got home and THEN she proceeded to puke up the brownies we had made earlier along with the vodka and lemonade. Actually the dinner we had in the caf before working out came up too. As my other friend was holding her hair back I made up a bed for her on their futon and pulled all of the blankets and pillows from her bed and put them on the futon. Ahh I tell you. There are many things I can do in this life, and do well, but I will only hold one persons hair back while they throw up, and the only reason I'd do it is because the love I have for them would override the fear of VOMIT coming out on poltergeist form. I have no idea if I spelt poltergeist right, I hate when I don't spell things correctly.
All in all, conclusion being, I had a pretty damn good night, especially when I walked out to my car to grab stuff. Waiting waiting waiting. Time is going to FLY!
I just spent four hours cleaning my car. I could have easily spent six. I kind of wish I had but other obligations got in the way. Now I have to shower, so I don't smell like wax, go to dinner with my family and decide if I want to go boy hunting for one of the girls on the golf team or sit with the girls upstairs like every other night. I'm going to venture to say I'll be with the girls. SPEAKING of the girls. Wanna know how your a good friend? When you have to sit face to face with one of your best friends and tell her you heard that her boyfriend cheated on her. THEN you have to take care of her after she decides that it's time to drink (she's never drank like that before and won't ever again.) She took two major swigs of vodka and then had two glasses mixed with lemonade. That is the most drunk I have ever seen her. So needless to say I took care of her until two thirty when our other best friend got home and THEN she proceeded to puke up the brownies we had made earlier along with the vodka and lemonade. Actually the dinner we had in the caf before working out came up too. As my other friend was holding her hair back I made up a bed for her on their futon and pulled all of the blankets and pillows from her bed and put them on the futon. Ahh I tell you. There are many things I can do in this life, and do well, but I will only hold one persons hair back while they throw up, and the only reason I'd do it is because the love I have for them would override the fear of VOMIT coming out on poltergeist form. I have no idea if I spelt poltergeist right, I hate when I don't spell things correctly.
All in all, conclusion being, I had a pretty damn good night, especially when I walked out to my car to grab stuff. Waiting waiting waiting. Time is going to FLY!
Friday, November 6, 2009
Week Ago
It was a week ago today. I will go to sleep tonight the same way I do every night. Remembering the way it feels to be in her arms. The safe feeling will come later, but remembering that feelings as best I can, and I have a pretty good memory will serve my sleep well. Only five months. Break is coming up soon and that will be a good chunk of november preparing for Thanksgiving. Then christmas break and New Year's. It won't be long at all. After those breaks it will be a very very short time.
P.s.- I'm not going to enjoy winter. I get even more sad during winter because I can't get outside as much. Ugh. One last winter that will be difficult. The others past this will be fine.
P.s.- I'm not going to enjoy winter. I get even more sad during winter because I can't get outside as much. Ugh. One last winter that will be difficult. The others past this will be fine.
Because I'm Sick of Logging and these Lyrics are Way Overdue
I'm really good at my internship, but sometimes.... I just get off track a bit and start messing around on the internet looking for lyrics. My time at my internship is really the most I spend on the internet.
Anyways, this song, is one of the only songs I have memorized from beginning to end. I believe it applies perfectly to my life and to the situation at hand.
There was a girl named Annie, she had a very pretty face
And not the way you think so let me see if I can try to explain it
She had a smile that could light up the room and if she moved it'd be moving in you
But she wasn't like a magazine, she was just plain Jane and her name was Annie
She never looked in the mirror, she never liked what she would see
And even if I tried to tell her, she never listened to a word I'd say
She always wanted what she never had, but never had what she needed so badly
Someone telling her she was fine and that's not right and it's why I'm saying
Annie don't be shy here, Annie don't just lie there, looks don't make the world go round but it comes around
Annie don't be shy here, Annie please don't cry here, I always have to stop myself
Cause you're beautiful
I didn't know if I could tell her, I didn't know if I could make her see
She didn't need to find her beauty, she didn't need to find a way to show me
They took her moments of feeling alive and made them moments of dying inside
She needed someone to scream her name, to take her pain and it's why I'm screaming
Annie don't be shy here, Annie don't just lie there, looks don't make the world go round but it comes around
Annie don't be shy here, Annie please don't cry here, I always have to stop myself
Cause you're beautiful
And Annie you are the one sight my eyes never tire of, it's like I cannot get enough of you
Annie you are the one song left in my symphony, like you were made for me
Annie don't be shy here, Annie don't just lie there, looks don't make the world go round but it comes around
Annie don't be shy here, Annie please don't cry here, I always have to stop myself
Cause you're beautiful
"Annie" - Safetysuit
That's my favourite song by them and it always will be.
Anyways, this song, is one of the only songs I have memorized from beginning to end. I believe it applies perfectly to my life and to the situation at hand.
There was a girl named Annie, she had a very pretty face
And not the way you think so let me see if I can try to explain it
She had a smile that could light up the room and if she moved it'd be moving in you
But she wasn't like a magazine, she was just plain Jane and her name was Annie
She never looked in the mirror, she never liked what she would see
And even if I tried to tell her, she never listened to a word I'd say
She always wanted what she never had, but never had what she needed so badly
Someone telling her she was fine and that's not right and it's why I'm saying
Annie don't be shy here, Annie don't just lie there, looks don't make the world go round but it comes around
Annie don't be shy here, Annie please don't cry here, I always have to stop myself
Cause you're beautiful
I didn't know if I could tell her, I didn't know if I could make her see
She didn't need to find her beauty, she didn't need to find a way to show me
They took her moments of feeling alive and made them moments of dying inside
She needed someone to scream her name, to take her pain and it's why I'm screaming
Annie don't be shy here, Annie don't just lie there, looks don't make the world go round but it comes around
Annie don't be shy here, Annie please don't cry here, I always have to stop myself
Cause you're beautiful
And Annie you are the one sight my eyes never tire of, it's like I cannot get enough of you
Annie you are the one song left in my symphony, like you were made for me
Annie don't be shy here, Annie don't just lie there, looks don't make the world go round but it comes around
Annie don't be shy here, Annie please don't cry here, I always have to stop myself
Cause you're beautiful
"Annie" - Safetysuit
That's my favourite song by them and it always will be.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Paramore!
They were AMAZING! It truly is an incredible experience to see Hayley Williams live, as it always is, and not just for the physical attributes. She really, truly dyed her hair blonde. It's a very sad state of affairs, but her voice makes up for the lack of red hair. She did NOT play my favourite song off of her new album though. I about went up to the stage and said um hey, my song now, k thanks. But alas, I failed. I guess that would have required attempting though. She completely failed me on singing All I Wanted. That's the one song on the album that completely pulls my heart.
I don't feel sick anymore! Maybe that facial did me some good in that regard because it did absolutely nothing for my face. I'm not sure why women waste their money on those things.
It's been a very odd day and I am ready for some food! I got home from shooting hoops, which entailed a creepy guy parking his car next to mine to come shoot with me, which ended with me leaving very quickly because he said he had seen me before and I freaked and THEN I came home to sleep for two minutes, go to the store with the best bud and now I'm waiting on macaroni and cheese :) I love food. It's my second love in this life. Time to eat!
I don't feel sick anymore! Maybe that facial did me some good in that regard because it did absolutely nothing for my face. I'm not sure why women waste their money on those things.
It's been a very odd day and I am ready for some food! I got home from shooting hoops, which entailed a creepy guy parking his car next to mine to come shoot with me, which ended with me leaving very quickly because he said he had seen me before and I freaked and THEN I came home to sleep for two minutes, go to the store with the best bud and now I'm waiting on macaroni and cheese :) I love food. It's my second love in this life. Time to eat!
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Never. Happening. Again.
Mmmkay. So. To start off my lovely day today, I still had my fever. I got all dressed up looking super special like I always do when I go to my internship (it's nothing to write home about I promise, I don't really look special), annnd I get there, and we supposedly have a Mary Kay specialist coming in to do facials. Evidence piece #1: I was kind of excited. Evidence piece #2: I actually went. Evidence piece #3: this lip exfoliator stuff and I bonded. Conclusion of Evidence? I'm definitely sick.
Never. Doing. That. Again.
After this debacle of face cleansers, moisturizers, foundation stuff, lip liner (which I'll never use because I happen to attribute it to much older women, and I just can't handle that type of image), eyeliner, mascara, and lip stuff, and I do mean stuff, they decided it would be a good idea to take an "after" picture. By the end of the whole shin dig, I was even more exhausted than when I got there and all I had done was sit in a chair, look ridiculous, and touch my face. (I swear to god, you make fun of me for this and we'll have words). I decided after the whole thing was done that it was time for me to go home. SO, I got home around one, and checked my mail, because I do it every day, and a letter from god was in there. Finally!
Now, after this letter came, I read it about seven times over and then passed out. I guess I felt comfortable enough to do it because of my mailbox godsend. Everyone pretty much knows it's incredibly hard for me to take naps because I feel like I am wasting part of my day. There are only two reasons a nap is ever okay with me. 1. When it's with the one I love. and 2. When I am so tired from being sick that I just don't care. It's obviously number two.... I almost just spelt obviously with an "A", like I'm back in Michigan, that's how we'd say it.
On to bigger and better news, throughout the course of this week I have been preparing for one great moment in history: the day my best friend and I get to see Paramore. That day is tonight. Or that night is tonight. Whatever. Anyways, we're going. I don't care if I have to take medicine or anything, just as long as it gets me through. Now,so this is clearly known, I don't drool like some people, and there won't be any mouths hanging open. I'm just going to stuff Hayley in my pocket instead. Ha ha ha. Juust kidding.
Being vulnerable is supposed to happen, it's how we know our feelings are real and are comprised of feelings worth substance, that are actually true and strong.
Never. Doing. That. Again.
After this debacle of face cleansers, moisturizers, foundation stuff, lip liner (which I'll never use because I happen to attribute it to much older women, and I just can't handle that type of image), eyeliner, mascara, and lip stuff, and I do mean stuff, they decided it would be a good idea to take an "after" picture. By the end of the whole shin dig, I was even more exhausted than when I got there and all I had done was sit in a chair, look ridiculous, and touch my face. (I swear to god, you make fun of me for this and we'll have words). I decided after the whole thing was done that it was time for me to go home. SO, I got home around one, and checked my mail, because I do it every day, and a letter from god was in there. Finally!
Now, after this letter came, I read it about seven times over and then passed out. I guess I felt comfortable enough to do it because of my mailbox godsend. Everyone pretty much knows it's incredibly hard for me to take naps because I feel like I am wasting part of my day. There are only two reasons a nap is ever okay with me. 1. When it's with the one I love. and 2. When I am so tired from being sick that I just don't care. It's obviously number two.... I almost just spelt obviously with an "A", like I'm back in Michigan, that's how we'd say it.
On to bigger and better news, throughout the course of this week I have been preparing for one great moment in history: the day my best friend and I get to see Paramore. That day is tonight. Or that night is tonight. Whatever. Anyways, we're going. I don't care if I have to take medicine or anything, just as long as it gets me through. Now,so this is clearly known, I don't drool like some people, and there won't be any mouths hanging open. I'm just going to stuff Hayley in my pocket instead. Ha ha ha. Juust kidding.
Being vulnerable is supposed to happen, it's how we know our feelings are real and are comprised of feelings worth substance, that are actually true and strong.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Fever
I have a fever. I feel absolutely horrible. I have to be at the office at eight in the morning. This is going to be one of those nights where I wake up feeling like I am going to throw up and the only thing that will calm me down won't be there, so I'll start crying. Five months. Only five.
Monday, November 2, 2009
EXHAUSTED
I am tired. As all get out. Annnnd it's because I'm sick. For my thermometer tells me so. Last time I was sick, THE women, the lady, the wonderful lady, brought me sick snacks like thera flu and stuff. I still have them. And the sweatshirt she so lovingly gave me.
Today I left the office early because I was so exhausted. I came home and slept for an hour, an hour in which my father called me and I barely remembered the conversation. I had to call him back after I woke up and attempt to figure out exactly what I had said. Mmmmm ha ha ha. My sleep lately screws me up. I get extremely out of it and when I dream, they're either the perfect ones I want that leave me missing her ten times more when I wake up, or they're the ones that break my heart and make me miss her too. Either way, I wake up the same way.
My eyes feel like they're ten pounds. I'm unnecessarily complaining right now, and I apologize for that. Tonight when I go to sleep, same as usual, it will be with the feeling of my head on her chest and her arms around me. It's the only thing that coaxes my brain into letting me sleep. I'm so incredibly lucky and I remember that every day. Ooooh five more months, not four, but god, that's not so long! Before it would have been like nine months or something! Not long, no no. I may run off on tangents but that's just because I have so many things running through my head at once.
I'm going to go have cereal. I just polished off some cake and stared down my Jimmy J's that I think went bad, now I'm on to the cereal front. Mmm. Berry Collosal (spelling much?) Crunch. That is the ten pounds festering on my hips. Here's to another ten and finishing off the bag!
Today I left the office early because I was so exhausted. I came home and slept for an hour, an hour in which my father called me and I barely remembered the conversation. I had to call him back after I woke up and attempt to figure out exactly what I had said. Mmmmm ha ha ha. My sleep lately screws me up. I get extremely out of it and when I dream, they're either the perfect ones I want that leave me missing her ten times more when I wake up, or they're the ones that break my heart and make me miss her too. Either way, I wake up the same way.
My eyes feel like they're ten pounds. I'm unnecessarily complaining right now, and I apologize for that. Tonight when I go to sleep, same as usual, it will be with the feeling of my head on her chest and her arms around me. It's the only thing that coaxes my brain into letting me sleep. I'm so incredibly lucky and I remember that every day. Ooooh five more months, not four, but god, that's not so long! Before it would have been like nine months or something! Not long, no no. I may run off on tangents but that's just because I have so many things running through my head at once.
I'm going to go have cereal. I just polished off some cake and stared down my Jimmy J's that I think went bad, now I'm on to the cereal front. Mmm. Berry Collosal (spelling much?) Crunch. That is the ten pounds festering on my hips. Here's to another ten and finishing off the bag!
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Oooh Halloween.
Last night, went to home to sit by a fire, eat food, drink half a beer, hand out candy and just relax.
Then...
The phone call. Summoning my butt to get back to school to come out and go to some parties. So, I went. There were two. I was a doctor. Dr. Feelgood to be precise. I consumed three beers total and by one thirty was ready to go home and go to bed. I wasn't drunk but my god I woke up with a massive headache. The girls were absolutely hilarious. I am so glad that I have found a friendship with the two of them that is always constant and never failing. A year from now I'll get to take the woman with me to parties. Aiiiyeee.
I'm incredibly exhausted, to the point where I am pretty sure I don't make any sense. I have messed up typing probably fifty times so far so I apologize for messing up in advance if I spell anything incorrectly. I have about ten journals to type up for tomorrow and I spent the entire day being completely unproductive. I hate not working on the weekends, I never manage to be productive without first starting my day off working. I guess I'll just have to start realizing that the weekends until thanksgiving are times where I can spend all day doing the work I'll be getting during the week and the left over work from the week before due the coming week. Pssssssssh. That's probably not going to happen, but in order to keep these grades up I must continue down this productive path.
Tomorrow I've got the internship as usual, a doctors appointment for the adderall I have made last four times as long as it's supposed to, and then nothing. I am pretty positive I'll stop taking medication for A.D.D. soon as I am barely over the testing limit for actually needing it.
Ugggggh. Okay. Time to finish some journals and get some sleep. Coffee, here I come.
Then...
The phone call. Summoning my butt to get back to school to come out and go to some parties. So, I went. There were two. I was a doctor. Dr. Feelgood to be precise. I consumed three beers total and by one thirty was ready to go home and go to bed. I wasn't drunk but my god I woke up with a massive headache. The girls were absolutely hilarious. I am so glad that I have found a friendship with the two of them that is always constant and never failing. A year from now I'll get to take the woman with me to parties. Aiiiyeee.
I'm incredibly exhausted, to the point where I am pretty sure I don't make any sense. I have messed up typing probably fifty times so far so I apologize for messing up in advance if I spell anything incorrectly. I have about ten journals to type up for tomorrow and I spent the entire day being completely unproductive. I hate not working on the weekends, I never manage to be productive without first starting my day off working. I guess I'll just have to start realizing that the weekends until thanksgiving are times where I can spend all day doing the work I'll be getting during the week and the left over work from the week before due the coming week. Pssssssssh. That's probably not going to happen, but in order to keep these grades up I must continue down this productive path.
Tomorrow I've got the internship as usual, a doctors appointment for the adderall I have made last four times as long as it's supposed to, and then nothing. I am pretty positive I'll stop taking medication for A.D.D. soon as I am barely over the testing limit for actually needing it.
Ugggggh. Okay. Time to finish some journals and get some sleep. Coffee, here I come.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Should Have Said....
How much I love her fifty more times.
How every day she is the strength in me, the fight in me to get up and be a better person and to make this world a better place.
How every morning I think I wake up with her in my arms, and it's never the case, but it doesn't stop me from missing it every night.
SHOULD have said more things....but I have to leave to transport a kid, I just wanted to start listing these things.
Have a fantastic day! More posts to come I'm sure.
How every day she is the strength in me, the fight in me to get up and be a better person and to make this world a better place.
How every morning I think I wake up with her in my arms, and it's never the case, but it doesn't stop me from missing it every night.
SHOULD have said more things....but I have to leave to transport a kid, I just wanted to start listing these things.
Have a fantastic day! More posts to come I'm sure.
Friday, October 30, 2009
VIDEO TIMEEEEEEEEE
Annnnd as promised. Video's. If I can figure out how to do it, which I am highly doubting I can. I woke up this morning feeling like a brick was (emily b. loves anna f.).........she just told me to add that......sitting on my chest from the pain I endure daily.';lokijugt67ju89ki0;p-[' she did that too...... Anywho. Then this afternoon I went to Jimmy J's and saw her friends, which was interesting, I even thought to myself that she probably doesn't talk to them anymore. But, the brick is gone. Like. Evaporated. I am whole knowing that she still accepts my heart. I feel so incredibly happy and safe right now it's amazing. It won't be that long now before the time comes I can be completely free to give everything I have. The length of time may truly suck, but for what it's worth in the end, I think it is worth the wait more than anything else. Everything is going to be perfectly fine, and I know this because of my undying trust and faith in her and us. No matter what happens, everything will be perfect as long as she is happy.
Video time video time video time! These better make you laugh. Or I'll cry.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FtX8nswnUKU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FAYWPV3F41Y
Video time video time video time! These better make you laugh. Or I'll cry.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FtX8nswnUKU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FAYWPV3F41Y
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Little letter, little little letter
SO. Amongst a busy and very happy week I've decided on an alternative that will work for now. Every night when I come home from my internship, my house or the grocery store, wherever I go (those are just the main places) I leave a note on my windshield like she did hoping she'll get curious and come check out the sitiation. I'm not sure if she'll come around again after leaving me her note, but I have to at least try this first. If that doesn't work I may just have to contact her mom and ask for a meeting. I may do that anyway just to get my feelings out on the table without her freaking out.
Tomorrow I have to take a kid from Olathe, which is exactly one minute from where she lives, out to kcmo which will be like, a good seventy miles of driving. Yee haw. Good thing is, I like being out in Olathe because I feel closer to her. Odd? Maybe. But whatever brings me closer I'll take. It's going to be a busy day tomorrow.
Tonight I am taking some Kings of Leon CD'S to my hairstylist because I forgot to tip her when she cut my hair, so it'll be a good thirty minutes of sitting and chatting about New Moon and how excited we are for the premier and which movie theater we're going to and then ranting off on how hot Kristin Stewart is (for me, thank you for getting me started on her, you know who you are) and Rob Pattinson (for my hairstylist). No I do not have a huge crush on him. My best school buddy has the love of her life coming here to stay the weekend, I'm not fond of him but I'll give him a chance to redeem himself after the last time he came to visit her. I like a keepin my friends safe.
Side note, my morning class got cancelled. I'm bored and I just took a fifty minute drive out to BFE. Mmmmmmm. I have an assignment due at one. I might quite possibly just do it since I haven't procrastinated much for this class.
Okay. I'll go do it. Be a good student and all.
Tomorrow I have to take a kid from Olathe, which is exactly one minute from where she lives, out to kcmo which will be like, a good seventy miles of driving. Yee haw. Good thing is, I like being out in Olathe because I feel closer to her. Odd? Maybe. But whatever brings me closer I'll take. It's going to be a busy day tomorrow.
Tonight I am taking some Kings of Leon CD'S to my hairstylist because I forgot to tip her when she cut my hair, so it'll be a good thirty minutes of sitting and chatting about New Moon and how excited we are for the premier and which movie theater we're going to and then ranting off on how hot Kristin Stewart is (for me, thank you for getting me started on her, you know who you are) and Rob Pattinson (for my hairstylist). No I do not have a huge crush on him. My best school buddy has the love of her life coming here to stay the weekend, I'm not fond of him but I'll give him a chance to redeem himself after the last time he came to visit her. I like a keepin my friends safe.
Side note, my morning class got cancelled. I'm bored and I just took a fifty minute drive out to BFE. Mmmmmmm. I have an assignment due at one. I might quite possibly just do it since I haven't procrastinated much for this class.
Okay. I'll go do it. Be a good student and all.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
sdlkaslejasdlkajoijfdflkj some more...
Okay. So. I am still on a high from the note she left me. I love her more than anyone in this world can possibly comprehend. I want to respond so badly to her, to show her in an incredibly adorable way that I still love her and that I am waiting for the day I can talk to her with no legal action being persued. For the most part I am held back by the idea that I could get into serious trouble for responding back, no matter how much I want to. I still may do it, I haven't decided yet. I just need to let her know that I'm here and that I'm not moving on. Not until the day she either tells me she has, that she's found someone else, or that she doesn't want me anymore, or at least until she gives me some reason that she no longer wants me to hang on to her. I won't let someone else make that decision for her. I believe in having a voice of your own and I don't think it's fair when other people suppress that voice and the feelings behind it in order to get what they want. It's just not right.
Either way.... I'm still so in love with her. To the point that if someone else were to like me I'd shut them down in a heartbeat. I announce to everyone that I meet for the first time that could potentially have feelings for me at some point in the future that I am waiting for someone else so that they immediately release the idea of my as more than a friend from their conscious thinking.
I told her there would be no one else, and there won't be.
Either way.... I'm still so in love with her. To the point that if someone else were to like me I'd shut them down in a heartbeat. I announce to everyone that I meet for the first time that could potentially have feelings for me at some point in the future that I am waiting for someone else so that they immediately release the idea of my as more than a friend from their conscious thinking.
I told her there would be no one else, and there won't be.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
sdfkljsdfljksdfljkf :)
Soooo I had another post up here before but I realized that went against what the thing I got said last night said. But. You should know that I am incredibly happy. Incredibly. Like wow. Well, incredibly happy other than the fact that my boss has decided not to schedule me for the next two weeks. Friggin genius. I need money and I enjoy working fifteen hour weekends staring out the windows. But beside that, I have been given a gift, and that is realizing that everything is going to be okay, and that my faith is, for once, well placed. This is how you know true love.
Okay. Breakfast time. I'm huuuuuuuungry.
Okay. Breakfast time. I'm huuuuuuuungry.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Duluth
I leave in an hour and a half for Duluth. I'm excited but I'm not at the same time. I want to see my family because I have missed them. BUT. I don't like being in a place where she is not. I remember all of the things that she told me and I read the two handwritten letters from her daily. There's one that makes me laugh hysterically and one that makes my heart drop. Both of them help to give me strength throughout the day. I keep them in my wallet so they'll never leave my side.
I must go clean out the vehicle of the mass amounts of clothes and cd's that have now taken over my passenger seat due to the fact that she was the only one that used to ride in my car. Now, besides transporting kids for the agency, I have no reason to keep that seat clean. Cest la vie. I tell you.
I must go clean out the vehicle of the mass amounts of clothes and cd's that have now taken over my passenger seat due to the fact that she was the only one that used to ride in my car. Now, besides transporting kids for the agency, I have no reason to keep that seat clean. Cest la vie. I tell you.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Ugh.
I leave for Duluth, Minnesota tomorrow. I am taking my car to the shop in the morning to get the timing belt and water pump replaced and I had the bright idea to go for a drive tonight. I ventured out too far and saw her car by my work. I felt guilty because she hasn't driven by at all while I am working and I know there have been plenty of opportunities. I should be following what she is doing, and I guess that is what I am left to do now. Split up my drives by regions so I don't bother her. It's hard and it hasn't gotten any easier. The only thing I do now is keep myself so completely busy that I can't even think about myself. I spent the last week feeling the pain I was supposed to let myself feel and ended up more of a crying mess. Now I am just numb. I don't let myself feel any emotion at all. I have straight A's, I am succeding far past my expectations in my internship, I work on the weekends, and I give everything I can to my friends who need it. All of this just reminds me of New Moon. "I don’t think I can live through seeing you try harder. I’ve never seen anyone trying so hard. It hurts to watch." I know it kills people to see that I am doing all of the things I am supposed to be doing, but I guess I'm just lifeless in doing them. I don't know what I am supposed to assume she feels, but like I have said before, I have faith. I guess I just need a sign. One I don't think I am going to get. I'm trying to be everything I am supposed to be. Everything her mom asked, well, told me to be, everything she wants me to be, and everything my father needs me to be. If he knew how much pain I was in, I truly think it would cripple him. I'll be what I have to be to save her and her relationship for her family, even if that means non-existent. That's a vow I have made for a while and one that I will keep for the rest of my life, even if it kills me. To see her happy, or to know she is happy will give me what I need for the rest of my time.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Uhhhm Paper.
Ten page research paper, over domestic violence. Fantastic idea. Not. Actually it's not my idea, it's my crazy professor who decides to give out a paper when I have an internship, work, and golf. Ugh. I'm complaining but it's just because I feel intimidated by the assigment and am a bit lost on where to go with it next. Anywho. I've been up since eight this morning so I could shower and eat and then get to working on this paper. I took a FULL dose of adderall, which I never do anymore, and I have been working for seven hours straight. It's going to be an all nighter tonight. BUT. It will all be worth it. P.S. Just realized how quicly the days are flying. Five more months. Today is a very odd day. I feel very awake and very productive. Being productive happens to make me enjoy life more than when I am just going through the motions which seems to be a daily occurance now.
Annoucement of the day: I. AM. GOING. TO. PARAMORE. Little drop of pee in my pants at that. My best bud from school and I are finally going out on our trek for a paramore concert! Ugh. Okay. Today really is odd. I should be working and not slacking off. Going going gone!
Annoucement of the day: I. AM. GOING. TO. PARAMORE. Little drop of pee in my pants at that. My best bud from school and I are finally going out on our trek for a paramore concert! Ugh. Okay. Today really is odd. I should be working and not slacking off. Going going gone!
Saturday, October 17, 2009
You said...
That you thought I'd find someone else. I've never been more willing to stay away from anyone who could be interested in me in my whole life. She was the one I wanted to show I could be faithful to. Even though right now I'm not getting my shot, I am being faithful in every single way and I love thinking about that. It's an amazing feeling to have truly given my heart away to someone. To have given it away completely. There's no getting it back and I don't want it back. For now I will focus on the fact that I am helping children, that I am focusing on school, finally back on the golf team, barely working because of practice and visiting the family in Duluth next weekend and making myself a better person. It helps to hide the pain of not being around here or being able to talk to her to keep my life filled with things to do. If the time comes and I find out she has moved on, I will support her completely and with my whole heart and I will offer her nothing but the best of luck in the future. I have always wanted her to go to a school that she wanted to go to and I have and always will want her to find her path in life and her dreams and give everything she can to follow them. I just want her to be happy with or without me, whatever it takes. She deserves so much in this life and if I cannot be the one to give it to her then so be it, I will hope she can find someone that can.
For now, I am just living. I spend time with my friends, at my internship, at work, and at golf. That is my life. There are no wild parties where I get drunk every night and there are no secret women or any intrerest in any women. It's a simple life for now. Paramore comes here in November and that will be the first night I will allow myself to truly smile. Hayley Williams, your lyrics still peirce my heart and for good reason. P.s. I've decided you're too small to consider "really"hot now. Sorry. Know I broke your heart with that one.
For now, I am just living. I spend time with my friends, at my internship, at work, and at golf. That is my life. There are no wild parties where I get drunk every night and there are no secret women or any intrerest in any women. It's a simple life for now. Paramore comes here in November and that will be the first night I will allow myself to truly smile. Hayley Williams, your lyrics still peirce my heart and for good reason. P.s. I've decided you're too small to consider "really"hot now. Sorry. Know I broke your heart with that one.
Monday, October 5, 2009
If All Else Fails....
A subdued silence undisturbed by the sound of her breath.
So carefully, brush her hair back from her eyes
In steady sequence, one by one.
She slips away.
So close your eyes and sleep to dream.
I'm by your side.
No words to speak.
We'll set our course and make it through.
No matter how far I go my heart remains with you.
And I'm not sure what I'm looking for.
But it's clear to see the purpose of my exsistance
Is laying here in front of me.
So close your eyes and sleep to dream.
I'm by your side.
No words to speak.
We'll set our course and make it through.
No matter how far I go
And if all else fails you can look up at the sky
Because it's the same one that shines above you and I.
And if all else fails you can close your eyes
And I'll be right beside you.
I'll be the one by your side.
So close your eyes and sleep to dream.
I'm by your side.
No words to speak.
We'll set our course and make it through.
No matter how far I go
No matter how much this hurts I wanted you to know
My heart remains with you.
So carefully, brush her hair back from her eyes
In steady sequence, one by one.
She slips away.
So close your eyes and sleep to dream.
I'm by your side.
No words to speak.
We'll set our course and make it through.
No matter how far I go my heart remains with you.
And I'm not sure what I'm looking for.
But it's clear to see the purpose of my exsistance
Is laying here in front of me.
So close your eyes and sleep to dream.
I'm by your side.
No words to speak.
We'll set our course and make it through.
No matter how far I go
And if all else fails you can look up at the sky
Because it's the same one that shines above you and I.
And if all else fails you can close your eyes
And I'll be right beside you.
I'll be the one by your side.
So close your eyes and sleep to dream.
I'm by your side.
No words to speak.
We'll set our course and make it through.
No matter how far I go
No matter how much this hurts I wanted you to know
My heart remains with you.
Wondering
No drive by's, no contact, I'm wondering.
I'm not okay and I won't be.
I'm not even existing at this point.
I'm not okay and I won't be.
I'm not even existing at this point.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Night #2
I just drove myself halfway across Kansas today. I swear I covered every inch of the city and then spent a good two hours just driving around god knows where this evening. I drive when I can't find what I'm looking for. I'm keeping myself awake because it's what I feel is necessary. Everything is going to be just fine. I love knowing that.
Per Te.
Per Te.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Night #1
Somethin' in your eyes, makes me wanna lose myself
Makes me wanna lose myself, in your arms
There's somethin' in your voice, makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life
If you knew how lonely my life has been
And how long I've been so alone
And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you've done
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
A window breaks, down a long, dark street
And a siren wails in the night
But I'm alright, 'cause I have you here with me
And I can almost see, through the dark there is light
Well, if you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I've waited for your touch
And if you knew how happy you are making me
I never thought that I'd love anyone so much
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way the back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
Makes me wanna lose myself, in your arms
There's somethin' in your voice, makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life
If you knew how lonely my life has been
And how long I've been so alone
And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you've done
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
A window breaks, down a long, dark street
And a siren wails in the night
But I'm alright, 'cause I have you here with me
And I can almost see, through the dark there is light
Well, if you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I've waited for your touch
And if you knew how happy you are making me
I never thought that I'd love anyone so much
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way the back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Unnnnntitled. Because I'm being lazy
I've been thinking a lot since the phone call I got when I got off of work. And my conclusion is simply that I won't be retaliating in any way. If I am to be hurt, punished unfairly or given a sentence that wasn't deserved, I'll still never hurt her family. Just because I will be hurt, doesn't mean I have to hurt back.
I'll fight as hard as I can, but I won't be hurting someone else's family. That's called love. I'll just take what comes to me as strong as I possibly can.
I'll fight as hard as I can, but I won't be hurting someone else's family. That's called love. I'll just take what comes to me as strong as I possibly can.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Letters
Over and over again I have realized how lucky I am. Last night was proof of that. No matter where I was I could always feel her. No matter where she went or what she did I could feel her from even twenty yards away.This morning I walked into work with tears streaming down my face and snot coming out of my nose (attractive, I know). For the first time in my two years of working at this shop I found that my co workers who are all men had absolutely no clue what to do with the crying tough girl who shows no emotion at work. My manager immediately asked me if I was sick or if something was wrong and all I could say back was "bad morning". He attempted to hug me but I couldn't even function enough to hug him back. He then told me to come to the back with him and as I followed him into the back room he told me to sit down and take a break and that if I needed to go home I could. After listening to him I told him that I was going to change and that I'd take a walk to the gas station and attempt to compose myself. My attempt was completely futile. My twenty minute walk and talk to my best friend on the phone proved to be of no help. Then she called me on my cell phone and as I ran to the back to take the call I could feel all of my happiness rush back in as her voice answered mine on the other end. It's still the most amazing sound in the world to me and there is no one I could ever talk to on the phone as long as I could talk to her. After the call my manager told me to go home because I looked horrible and I couldn't contain myself long enough to withstand five minutes of walking around.So here I am remembering last night. She told me she'd find me at the front gate until I realizaed she didn't have to, that I would have seen her coming from a mile away and absolutely no one else.
How amazingly lucky am I that I get to walk up to this beautiful woman and wrap my arms around her? How lucky am I to be able to call her mine and no one else's? How lucky am I that someone so incredibly gorgeous and amazing will stand and wait for me outside of the bathroom so that I can once again feel perfect coming back into her arms? Very, very lucky is the answer to all of those questions. Never in my life have I felt so amazing walking up to someone who is very obviously too good looking, gentle, loving, caring, and special in every way I could have ever imagined.
My epiphany, well, is that this life, working, eating, playing golf, all of it is worth every second of my time. But being with her, is worth every second of the rest of my life if I could give it. Yes, I'm young, but I guess when you know someone is that person for you, you know and there's really no questioning it. I've never felt so drawn or connected to someone in my entire life. She knows when I'm upset or happy even before I do, and that's truly a new bridge for me to have crossed. I have opened up to her completely and I have let her into every piece of my heart and it's been worth it every second, minute, hour, day and month. I'll be right here.
How amazingly lucky am I that I get to walk up to this beautiful woman and wrap my arms around her? How lucky am I to be able to call her mine and no one else's? How lucky am I that someone so incredibly gorgeous and amazing will stand and wait for me outside of the bathroom so that I can once again feel perfect coming back into her arms? Very, very lucky is the answer to all of those questions. Never in my life have I felt so amazing walking up to someone who is very obviously too good looking, gentle, loving, caring, and special in every way I could have ever imagined.
My epiphany, well, is that this life, working, eating, playing golf, all of it is worth every second of my time. But being with her, is worth every second of the rest of my life if I could give it. Yes, I'm young, but I guess when you know someone is that person for you, you know and there's really no questioning it. I've never felt so drawn or connected to someone in my entire life. She knows when I'm upset or happy even before I do, and that's truly a new bridge for me to have crossed. I have opened up to her completely and I have let her into every piece of my heart and it's been worth it every second, minute, hour, day and month. I'll be right here.
Monday, June 22, 2009
I'd take my accident over this
"That a lie which is half a truth is ever the blackest of lies; That a lie which is all a lie may be met and fought outright; but a lie which is part a truth is a harder matter to fight"
-There was truth in all of it
"And ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation"
- I found the depth of mine.
I'm going to be quoting for a while before I can actually type anything out that will make sense to go along with this. "You have to trust that god has your best interest at heart" For once. I may actually give god everything I have, until I can see her standing back in front of me again.
Every time I look at you
You always look so beautiful
Driving on the road again
the Chevy's packed
And it is dusk
And I will take some photographs
So I can dream of you
Can't say I've felt such twisting
In my heart this way we pitch a tent and have one sleeping bag
To stay away
The fires burning,softly singing songs
So close to you
Do you believe
In love at first sight
I think you do
We're lying naked under the covers
Those are the best days of my life
Can't take away those times
We stayed up and we talked all night
Chain smokin' cigarettes and
Three bottles of red wine
Falling asleep together
Holding your body close to mine
Oh and in the morning
Your eyes opened so innocent
The sun is blazing we are sweaty
You look lovely
Nothing else matters anymore cause you're
In my arms again
Do you believe In love at first sight
I think you do
We're lying naked under the covers
Those are the best days of my
Those are the best days of my
Those are the best days of my life
Oh I never wanna be without you
So just stay with me
I will love you endlessly
Oh oh darling, darling OooooooohOh darling, darling
Do you believe In love at first sight
I think you do
We're lying naked under the covers
Those are the best days of my life
Do you believe In love at first sight
I think you do
We're lying naked under the covers
Those are the best days of my
Those are the best days of my
Those are the best days of my life
-There was truth in all of it
"And ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation"
- I found the depth of mine.
I'm going to be quoting for a while before I can actually type anything out that will make sense to go along with this. "You have to trust that god has your best interest at heart" For once. I may actually give god everything I have, until I can see her standing back in front of me again.
Every time I look at you
You always look so beautiful
Driving on the road again
the Chevy's packed
And it is dusk
And I will take some photographs
So I can dream of you
Can't say I've felt such twisting
In my heart this way we pitch a tent and have one sleeping bag
To stay away
The fires burning,softly singing songs
So close to you
Do you believe
In love at first sight
I think you do
We're lying naked under the covers
Those are the best days of my life
Can't take away those times
We stayed up and we talked all night
Chain smokin' cigarettes and
Three bottles of red wine
Falling asleep together
Holding your body close to mine
Oh and in the morning
Your eyes opened so innocent
The sun is blazing we are sweaty
You look lovely
Nothing else matters anymore cause you're
In my arms again
Do you believe In love at first sight
I think you do
We're lying naked under the covers
Those are the best days of my
Those are the best days of my
Those are the best days of my life
Oh I never wanna be without you
So just stay with me
I will love you endlessly
Oh oh darling, darling OooooooohOh darling, darling
Do you believe In love at first sight
I think you do
We're lying naked under the covers
Those are the best days of my life
Do you believe In love at first sight
I think you do
We're lying naked under the covers
Those are the best days of my
Those are the best days of my
Those are the best days of my life
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
The Love of My Life...
Yes, I did just title this post as The Love of My Life. Because that's exactly what it's about. Everyone has their one true love, and well, I had mine. See, we met back in 2000. She was brand new, sleek, smooth, absolutely gorgeous, the way a woman should be... We reunited again in 2006 and I fell head over heels for her and there was no stopping it. Who ever reads this is going to laugh at my poor soul. I'm talking about my car. Which was RUINED on sunday. I wrecked my poor baby on December 9th of last year, like, last semester, and then some girl decided to t-bone my car on sunday, yet another date I'll never forget again. I would REALLY appreciate being able to have my car back. As I have complained about this incident since Sunday, I figured it better to just get it all out here, so that was I can attempt to let go of her. I'll add pictures so you can have the full effect of my loss. Basically, girl hit my car, I miss my car, she was my one true love, I feel widowed, and I want her back.....now.
My baby.... After she was injured. More to follow because I'm just not done wallowing yet.
Look. She's depressed too. I'm actually going to stop here due to the fact that I could go on forever with these pictures and it still probably wouldn't serve the purpose I'm looking for. I'm going to the place where my baby is sitting, all alone, sometime this week, so that way I can tell her I love her. (don't worry, I won't actually say it) But I will go and take a momento from my car before they piece her apart.
I've decided that the girl who hit me is very lucky. As soon as I got hit, before I even got my car to stop I started swearing like a sailor. I was SO ready to rip whoever it was a new one, so I continued swearing and what not until I slammed my door shut with as much force as I could muster. Of course being me I ran around my car to make sure the other person was okay, but, of course, it was a seventeen year old girl crying her eyes out. So I walked over to her and asked her if she was okay but she was crying her eyes out like a hysterical four year old girl. I immediatedly wrapped my arms around her and just held her and told her it would be okay. She seemed so close to falling apart even more I just wanted her to know that every thing was okay. I guess I could have reacted much worse, but that's not just who I am. When she finally pulled away from me she said in the most calm voice she possessed "You are like, the nicest person I could have ever had an accident with" And that, right there, told me no matter the damage I had done something right. She had a cut on her arm and I told her that I had no problem getting my first aid kit from the back of my car and bandaging her arm up for her, but as soon as I said that the fire truck and Ambulence came to the scene. It was an interesting morning considering I was freaking out about the amount of gas in my car, work that day, and my team dinner that evening. All of those things became so meaningless in the fifteen seconds it took for her to smash my car.
Anyway, I have rambled on enough, although I feel a tad bit better about the wreck, I still miss my baby, and on here, I can talk all I want and it just doesnt matter. Mwahaha.
P.S.- Apologies for any spelling errors, I do not possess any will power in my body to change them.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Dancin' Machine
I have, yet ANOTHER song stuck in my head.
What a night for a dance, you know im a dancing machine
With the fire in my bones
And the sweet taste of kerosene
I get lost in the night so high dont wana come down
To face the loss of the good thing that i have found
Woo hoo hoooo Woo hoo hoooo
In the dark of the night i hear you callin my name
With the hardest of hearts, i still feel full of pain
So i drink and i smoke and i ask you if your ever around even though it was me who drove us
Right into the ground
See the time we shared it was precious to me
But all the while i was dreamin of revelry
Gonna run baby run like a stream down a mountainside
With the wind in my back i wont ever even bat an eye
Just know it was you all along that had a hold of my heart
But the demon in me was a best friend from the start
So the time we shared it was precious to me
All the while i was dreamin of revelry
Dreamin of revelry
And i told myself oh the way you go it rained so hard it felt like snow
Everything came tumbling down on me
In the back of the woods it was dark as night
Palest pale of the old moonlight
Everythings felt so right to me
Dreamin of revelry
Dreamin of revelry
Dreamin of revelry
Dreamin of revelry
"Revelry" -Kings of Leon
So... I have gotten readdicted to Kings of Leon...again. I was sitting on my couch last night thinking of this song, reading, talking to friends, and just relaxing surprisingly. For some reason, in that moment despite how tired I was, I felt that everything was right in the world. I managed to wake up with the exact same feeling and I'm going to hold onto it for as long as I can. I'm amazed this revelation came to me considering for the better part of last week I fought not being able to sleep. I finally took a sleeping pill thing and managed to knock myself out to get some sleep and to wake up and realize how truly tired I was. I've started eating healthier and have been attempting to work out in order to help myself sleep at night.
On other points, I just finished Dave Pelzer's fourth book in his series beginning with "A Child Called It" and ending with "A Man Named Dave". Reading that book truly opened my eyes to everything I need to change about myself. It put me more at ease in things that I think about myself but in the end, it taught me more than I ever could have imagined. I have so much respect for the man that wrote these books. Being able to write to the world to tell his story is something I don't think I could do. But when I look at how much effort he puts in to helping children across the world, I can see the those similarities in myself. There is nothing more that I want in my lifetime than to help children succeed in a life they never thought possible. I want to take broken children and help to make them whole again, to see that change is possible and that they do deserve a life better than they have been shown. To take a broken heart, a seemingly ruined soul, shattered hopes, and a life that only knows deceit, and to turn it into something beautiful, is more than anything I could have ever imagined for myself. I know that every day I sit in class, I'm working towards something great for myself. In the end, I want to be able to remember the countless children I've helped and feel nothing but PROUD of myself. Someday, I'm going to give a child a better life than I had, a better life than Dave Pelzer, a better life than my brother, my father, and my half sister. I'm going to take everything I am and implement it into the skills I learn to change this world, and I'm never going to lose sight of that.
Obsessed a little? Yes. But what can I say? I have a dream and nothing is getting in the way. I'm taking myself to a great life and I never want to regret anything.
What a night for a dance, you know im a dancing machine
With the fire in my bones
And the sweet taste of kerosene
I get lost in the night so high dont wana come down
To face the loss of the good thing that i have found
Woo hoo hoooo Woo hoo hoooo
In the dark of the night i hear you callin my name
With the hardest of hearts, i still feel full of pain
So i drink and i smoke and i ask you if your ever around even though it was me who drove us
Right into the ground
See the time we shared it was precious to me
But all the while i was dreamin of revelry
Gonna run baby run like a stream down a mountainside
With the wind in my back i wont ever even bat an eye
Just know it was you all along that had a hold of my heart
But the demon in me was a best friend from the start
So the time we shared it was precious to me
All the while i was dreamin of revelry
Dreamin of revelry
And i told myself oh the way you go it rained so hard it felt like snow
Everything came tumbling down on me
In the back of the woods it was dark as night
Palest pale of the old moonlight
Everythings felt so right to me
Dreamin of revelry
Dreamin of revelry
Dreamin of revelry
Dreamin of revelry
"Revelry" -Kings of Leon
So... I have gotten readdicted to Kings of Leon...again. I was sitting on my couch last night thinking of this song, reading, talking to friends, and just relaxing surprisingly. For some reason, in that moment despite how tired I was, I felt that everything was right in the world. I managed to wake up with the exact same feeling and I'm going to hold onto it for as long as I can. I'm amazed this revelation came to me considering for the better part of last week I fought not being able to sleep. I finally took a sleeping pill thing and managed to knock myself out to get some sleep and to wake up and realize how truly tired I was. I've started eating healthier and have been attempting to work out in order to help myself sleep at night.
On other points, I just finished Dave Pelzer's fourth book in his series beginning with "A Child Called It" and ending with "A Man Named Dave". Reading that book truly opened my eyes to everything I need to change about myself. It put me more at ease in things that I think about myself but in the end, it taught me more than I ever could have imagined. I have so much respect for the man that wrote these books. Being able to write to the world to tell his story is something I don't think I could do. But when I look at how much effort he puts in to helping children across the world, I can see the those similarities in myself. There is nothing more that I want in my lifetime than to help children succeed in a life they never thought possible. I want to take broken children and help to make them whole again, to see that change is possible and that they do deserve a life better than they have been shown. To take a broken heart, a seemingly ruined soul, shattered hopes, and a life that only knows deceit, and to turn it into something beautiful, is more than anything I could have ever imagined for myself. I know that every day I sit in class, I'm working towards something great for myself. In the end, I want to be able to remember the countless children I've helped and feel nothing but PROUD of myself. Someday, I'm going to give a child a better life than I had, a better life than Dave Pelzer, a better life than my brother, my father, and my half sister. I'm going to take everything I am and implement it into the skills I learn to change this world, and I'm never going to lose sight of that.
Obsessed a little? Yes. But what can I say? I have a dream and nothing is getting in the way. I'm taking myself to a great life and I never want to regret anything.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
I can't think of a title for this today....
I was starting to get really distressed at the fact that I couldn't think up a title for this post, so I gave up instead of stressing over it.
I cannot wait for school to start back up. Every single year I manage to get excited about school as soon as it's over with for break. But this semester I didn't even want school to end. I'm excited to see my roommates and my friends, to be able to go out whenever and wherever I want, and to just be on my own again. I have found myself to need to be independent although I have always found myself to be independent, now I know I just NEED it. I'm so excited about life in general now. I never thought I would say that, or even be in a place mentally after first semester to even be able to say that, but I can, and I have. I cannot wait to work my butt off this semester. Everything just keeps happening and it all seems to be amazing.
Each day I seem to grow happier and happier. I meet new people almost daily now and forge friendships, relationships, or whatever we are both comfortable with. My life seems to have taken a new direction, and it's one I chose and forced myself down all on my own. I've found so many great people, and I am so proud of myself for not giving up on who I am even though I have had countless chances to do so.
I feel like a motivational speaker, but I guess this is just what happiness feels like. True, trustworthy, and unconditional happiness, for once. For people in this world that think it unattainable, I am a true story of that alone. I didn't think attaining this was possible. And when I assess it right now, I know it all starts because of me, and ends because of other individuals, and I love that.
I'm rambling now. I can't help it. I'm bored. I'll post about something a little more interesting later. Because I can. But I'll still be bored then too, because I don't work tomorrow. Eww.
I cannot wait for school to start back up. Every single year I manage to get excited about school as soon as it's over with for break. But this semester I didn't even want school to end. I'm excited to see my roommates and my friends, to be able to go out whenever and wherever I want, and to just be on my own again. I have found myself to need to be independent although I have always found myself to be independent, now I know I just NEED it. I'm so excited about life in general now. I never thought I would say that, or even be in a place mentally after first semester to even be able to say that, but I can, and I have. I cannot wait to work my butt off this semester. Everything just keeps happening and it all seems to be amazing.
Each day I seem to grow happier and happier. I meet new people almost daily now and forge friendships, relationships, or whatever we are both comfortable with. My life seems to have taken a new direction, and it's one I chose and forced myself down all on my own. I've found so many great people, and I am so proud of myself for not giving up on who I am even though I have had countless chances to do so.
I feel like a motivational speaker, but I guess this is just what happiness feels like. True, trustworthy, and unconditional happiness, for once. For people in this world that think it unattainable, I am a true story of that alone. I didn't think attaining this was possible. And when I assess it right now, I know it all starts because of me, and ends because of other individuals, and I love that.
I'm rambling now. I can't help it. I'm bored. I'll post about something a little more interesting later. Because I can. But I'll still be bored then too, because I don't work tomorrow. Eww.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Not what I expected
Yesterday I found out that no matter of waiting will ever get me what I want. It's hard to learn that sometimes we must accept the fate of certain situations for what they are in that moment and learn to move on in the best way possible. It's time to start truly dating again, like I mentioned in my previous post, it's time for me to actually try. I am sure there are plenty of women out there that have everything I could every want. But for tonight, the time being...
And you can't deny
that I'll be the one mistake
you'll carry forever
and you can't pretend now
that you thought I'd forget
to notice you were gone
but the truth is...its pointless
I'll make my own world somehow
where I control who stays
you won't leave because you
won't know how to run away
I'll make you care that I am
running here without you
I'll make you care
I'll make you care...and you can't escape that
I'm in your dreams
like you swim in mine
and you'll live your whole life dreaming
your dreams will
be free of me
but the truth is...its pointless...
I'll make my own world somehow
where I control who stays
you won't leave because you
won't know how to run away
I'll make you care that i am
running here without you
I'll make you care
I'll make you care...And the truth is...its pointless...
you don't care...but the truth is...i
ts pointless...you don't care...
You don't care, you don't care
but the truth is its pointless
You don't care, you don't care...but the truth
is its pointless
You don't care, you don't care.
I love the fact that in a dream world, like this, we can make anything happen. But reality is what keeps us here. Sadly it is the one thing that will never fail to smack us in the face or give us a swift kick in the butt. Some consider themselves fortunate to have reality be so blunt, I guess I am one of those people now. Time to move on as usual! Goodnight all!
And you can't deny
that I'll be the one mistake
you'll carry forever
and you can't pretend now
that you thought I'd forget
to notice you were gone
but the truth is...its pointless
I'll make my own world somehow
where I control who stays
you won't leave because you
won't know how to run away
I'll make you care that I am
running here without you
I'll make you care
I'll make you care...and you can't escape that
I'm in your dreams
like you swim in mine
and you'll live your whole life dreaming
your dreams will
be free of me
but the truth is...its pointless...
I'll make my own world somehow
where I control who stays
you won't leave because you
won't know how to run away
I'll make you care that i am
running here without you
I'll make you care
I'll make you care...And the truth is...its pointless...
you don't care...but the truth is...i
ts pointless...you don't care...
You don't care, you don't care
but the truth is its pointless
You don't care, you don't care...but the truth
is its pointless
You don't care, you don't care.
I love the fact that in a dream world, like this, we can make anything happen. But reality is what keeps us here. Sadly it is the one thing that will never fail to smack us in the face or give us a swift kick in the butt. Some consider themselves fortunate to have reality be so blunt, I guess I am one of those people now. Time to move on as usual! Goodnight all!
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