I Will Let You Go

Put your hands in the water
Watch them go under
Put your hand to the light
Watch the light come through
And I will let you go
Put your time on the table
See who"ll sit down with you
Give your love to the ones who offer you bruise
After bruise, after bruise
And I will let you go
How we play fight
As we dance slow
The smile you making saying yes meaning no is so grey, so faint.
The words stray in your mouth with an ache
I'm standing in water with the
Light on my shoulder
The weight of the doubt
Turned me to glass
I'm through living in question
Dreaming the answers
No more paving the present with pain from my past
And I will let you go

Happy

I never thought three months ago that I would ever find the happiness the day I felt at that concert. I have never truly been a big believer in waiting for good things to happen, but that has proven so close to true.

Since losing her in September, and November, I have been in so many different places that it's hard to remember how I came to be where I am now. I spent my time from September through January feeling like my heart was missing. I've never missed someone for that long and I've never cared to really hold on to hope. I've come from feeling like I couldn't live in this state, feeling like I couldn't make it, and feeling like I had nothing else to lose to finding out that life held so much more for me.

I spent those months teaching myself how to live a life without a phone, how to go to sleep at twelve every night, how to work out every single day, how to eat right (for once), how to do homework before it's due, and how to analyze myself and become a better person. I quickly learned the meaning of finding myself good enough, and in addition to that wonderful realization, I came to find that my past two relationships were nothing more than a filler for a void. Either way, I spent an incredible amount of time preparing for March 24th to roll around. I happen to think that my hard work and my ability to change who I am for the better led me to a better conclusion to my wait.

The post from that concert back in September, the one where I spoke of almost not being able to comprehend being hers, I get to repeat that statement. The first time I saw her at her work since being apart, I almost fell over. I couldn't catch my breath and I certainly had no clue what to do with myself. Amazingly, none of that mattered. She knew exactly how to be with me, like we had never forgotten how incredible we are together.

She is everything that I'm not and more and I am proud to call her my girlfriend, my lover, and my best friend. I am so glad that the 170 day wait is finally over.

Maybe one more

I wanted to share these lyrics because I find them highly ironic. I found this song in December so, it makes it even more unreal.

Smiles and her laughter
It's the only thing that I've been waiting for a time
Regardless of our distance and our hope...grows greater
Trapped by pretty eyes and letters for all time
The only thing that I've been waiting for.
I hope it's something worth the waiting
'Cause it's the only time that I ever feel real
Thunder storms could never stop me
'Cause there's no one in the world like
Emily She's simple yet confusing
Her sparkling eyes make me weak at my words, they tremble
Days seem like years in this month of December
The winter coldens me for I have yet to sleep
And never will I give up trying 'cause you're everything to me
I hope it's something worth the waiting
It's the only time that I ever feel real
'Cause thunder storms could never stop me
'Cause there's no one in the world like Emily
There's no one in the world like Emily.

"Emily" -From First to Last

Decision

It is my decision to post this, understanding what could happen to me if I do. BUT. Her best friend told me that she would really appreciate knowing that I care about her. I was scared, still kind of am scared, to post anything on here. But that was until I realized that saying nothing could be worse. I cannot say everything that I would like to n here, but I will say what matters most. I can't turn away from something that she could need in the next two months in regards to her sister's illness. The rest of it, we can figure out in sixty days if she wants.

The point of this post... Her best friend messaged me on facebook and told me of her sisters illness. My first reaction... was of her. To make sure that she was okay and that she could safely handle what is going on with her sister. My second reaction, was that I did not want her to go through all of this alone. I know she has her family and at this point in time that may be enough for her and that is a good thing. My third reaction, the indescribable need for me to help her. My fourth reaction, which came at nine o'clock that night and resulted in an hours worth of driving... to find her. It may be a bad reaction, but I couldn't help it then. The urge to give her a hug and tell her that everything would be okay was too strong.

I believe I saw her driving on my way home from work that night but I can't be sure. I think I have seen her driving multiple times but I can't be sure. That thought alone could drive me nuts. After shooting hoops tonight I went home to meet the father's girlfriends long lost never known about cousin and on my way home, I saw the green thing I always look for, slammed on my breaks and hoped. But I couldn't very well sit on 135th.

I will continue to ramble on things I have wanted to post for forever, but have ended up in my notebook. If I don't shut myself up now then I never will. The point: I do care, very much, I love her, and I want to be there for her.

I am not sure if I will have the courage to post again because I'm not sure of anyone's stance on anything as it pertains to me and still caring for her, still loving her. But I didn't think I could make it through the next week again without doing something. Sadly, this is about as much as I can do without invitation.

p.s. in therapy, this was discussed. My therapist said that she was glad that it wasn't ____ (the woman I love). I told her that if it had been her, I would have already broken every single rule laid out in front of me. All of them, regardless of the consequences.

Debating

Just typed four possible posts to put up here. They all say the same thing in different ways. I've been contemplating it since seven. I'm scared. Ugh. It'll come.

Even if saving you...

I don't care how I came to know this song. It now holds new meaning for me in a much more defined and profound way than I ever could have imagined.

When I see your smile
Tears roll down my face I can't replace
And now that I'm strong I have figured out
How this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul
And I know I'll find deep inside me I can be the one
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven
It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.
Seasons are changing
And waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you I'll be the one
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven
Cuz you're my, you're my, my, my true love, my whole heart
Please don't throw that away
Cuz I'm here for you
Please don't walk away and Please tell me you'll stay woah, stay woah
Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know I'll be okay
Though my skies are turning gray
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven


It's the last line. I'll do anything to save her.

Work

I'm hungry, and my back hurts. I woke up at nine to work out this morning. That didn't happen. Instead I hammered two pieces of toast and called it good. Two more hours. Only two.