Ugh.

I leave for Duluth, Minnesota tomorrow. I am taking my car to the shop in the morning to get the timing belt and water pump replaced and I had the bright idea to go for a drive tonight. I ventured out too far and saw her car by my work. I felt guilty because she hasn't driven by at all while I am working and I know there have been plenty of opportunities. I should be following what she is doing, and I guess that is what I am left to do now. Split up my drives by regions so I don't bother her. It's hard and it hasn't gotten any easier. The only thing I do now is keep myself so completely busy that I can't even think about myself. I spent the last week feeling the pain I was supposed to let myself feel and ended up more of a crying mess. Now I am just numb. I don't let myself feel any emotion at all. I have straight A's, I am succeding far past my expectations in my internship, I work on the weekends, and I give everything I can to my friends who need it. All of this just reminds me of New Moon. "I don’t think I can live through seeing you try harder. I’ve never seen anyone trying so hard. It hurts to watch." I know it kills people to see that I am doing all of the things I am supposed to be doing, but I guess I'm just lifeless in doing them. I don't know what I am supposed to assume she feels, but like I have said before, I have faith. I guess I just need a sign. One I don't think I am going to get. I'm trying to be everything I am supposed to be. Everything her mom asked, well, told me to be, everything she wants me to be, and everything my father needs me to be. If he knew how much pain I was in, I truly think it would cripple him. I'll be what I have to be to save her and her relationship for her family, even if that means non-existent. That's a vow I have made for a while and one that I will keep for the rest of my life, even if it kills me. To see her happy, or to know she is happy will give me what I need for the rest of my time.