Failed attempts....

So. We drove around a lot, after shooting hoops for about seven minutes. It's 9:43 and I am home for the evening and everyone is going out. Em is going to her boys house, meg is with her boyfriend from out of town and courtney is going to party...as usual.

So, to back up to tonights festivities. We shot hoops, which entailed em running up and down the parking lot screaming like a fool, then she laid on her back, then she spun in circles until she made herself dizzy and then...well then we started contemplating what to do next. So we went for a drive. I wanted to see my girl but we didn't know how to make it happen. So em almost called her, and then almost texted her, but couldn't find her number in my phone. I was scared that I'd get her into trouble. So I was all excited for these massive plans to make something happen and then we ended up driving around Olathe listening to Pieces by Red (look it up, trust me, my new found song for things), going to sonic, then to old navy so em could shop and then to Borders so I could check out the new post secret book, and then here we are back at school. I'm a little mad I couldn't make something happen, but I guess I'm just protecting her even though I really wanted to make all of my genius plans work. Urgggggg. Off to watch movies in the room as soon as the girls leave.

Smoothie = Heaven

I haven't had a smoothie in two months. It was like heaven. I almost sent golf balls back, then almost called, but then I saw she LEFT. :)

Em and I are going to shoot hoops. Of course, will write more later.

Woman. I may smack her.

Bothering me? Really?

I just had a really bad night and needed those arms more than ever and she thinks she's bothering me by writing me when I check my mailbox everyday? Really? URG! This is me being pissy which is kind of a role reversal. I'm usually the cute cheery one. I could smack a hoe. I'm not really angry, just a bit worried. If she would rather not send letters so that she can move on for the time being and just be happy until we can be together again then I am more than fine with that. I want her to do whatever she needs to do be okay. I'll be here no matter what in the end, no matter who she turns out to be or what she wants for herself. I will always love her for the good in her heart, the way she smiles, the way she laughs, the way that no matter how bad my day is, just looking at her makes everything perfect again, and incredibly, for the fact that I know some part of her will always love me.

I want her to get the help she needs so that she can be happy and healthy when we can be together again. I don't care if I get blamed. I can't live with myself if I know that she isn't going to be happy. No one understands the things I'll do to ensure that she can be happy for now. Even if it means I'll hurt myself in doing it, I'll give everything I can so that she can truly be safe and happy during this time apart. I'm not keeping myself incredibly busy with making myself a better person, working at my internship, and trying to be a good team mate because I want to end up single in four months. Absolutely not. It's so that I can be the best possible person I can be for when that day comes. And if it comes and passes without a word from her then I will deal with that and hope for the best for her. At this rate it looks like everything is going to be fine, which is what I have thought the entire time. This was seriously the best present I could have been given on a friday other than last friday.

I've been having a pretty rough week and I've felt like I need her to just hold me so I can cry and finally feel better. That's the only way I can cry on command. Other times it's beyond my control.

We're watching movies tonight and I actually work tomorrow for once, assuming I get to bed early, it should be a good day tomorrow.

P.S. Mizzou is an hour and a half away. :) No big deal. And I am proud. Incredibly proud!

Rough night

Usually I fall asleep with no problem, and the only way it happens is if I think about those arms. I needed that so badly last night. I needed it to be real. I woke up thinking she was right next to me, I could actually FEEL it. URG. This does not make for a good day. Hence why the hug is needed. I just want her to be happy, in every way while I can't be there. I wish that her mom would allow her to talk to me, or at least something. I've changed drastically from before. I'm still the same humble person, I just conduct myself and my actions very differently.

P.S. - It's four months now:)

Hugs would be really good

Apologies for the lack of posting. I do believe my period has had me in a bit of a sleeping trance. I went to class this morning, got done at eleven, took a drive, came back around twelve and went to sleep until one and then left for an appointment. After my appointment I went to get a drink, came back to school and slept until five thirty. It's really not good that I have slept this much. And to top it off I feel like I could cry at any moment. I really, truly, do not see the point in allowing high amounts of estrogen and hormones to run through women like it's no big deal. Does god not see this issues those two biological factors cause? It really is quite unfair.

The only way I get to sleep on night like tonight is to imagine the one thing that has calmed me down for so long now. It works every night.

P.s. There is a guy running around our campus that isn't supposed to be here. He's looking into peoples rooms and walking in the classrooms. I hope he gets the bright idea to come into our room now that I'm done watching movies with the girls. I'll kick his face in.

I'm not exhausted but I am at the same time. This is so not good. Ugh.

Letters From the Sky

one of these days
the sky's gonna break
and everything will escape
and i'll know
one of these days
the mountains are gonna fall into the sea
and they'll know
that you and i were made for this
i was made to taste your kiss
we were made to never fall away
never fall away
one of these days letters are gonna fall from the sky
telling us all to go free
but until that day i'll find a way to let everybody know that you're coming back,
you're coming back for me
cause even though you left me here i have nothing left to fear
these are only walls that hold me here
hold me here, hold me here
one day soon i'll hold you like the sunholds the moon
and we will hear those planes overhead
and we won't have to be scared
we won't have to be scared,
we won't have to be scared
you're coming back for me
you're coming back for me
you're coming back to me



Minus the leaving me here part, it's a very good song.

Cramps, apparently Seasonique doesn't help.

I haven't experienced cramps in at least a year. My cramps used to be so bad that I'd be curled up in bed for hours at a time. I have a very strong feeling that's where this situation is headed. I need a hug and some arms from the giant. Owwwww.

Today was a pretty long day. I had a meeting at nine thirty, then I went to Topeka for a home visit and then I came back to the office to type up all of the necessary paperwork for a placement for one of my kids. I love knowing I'm helping these kids. It's interesting to meet some of the kids that have gang affiliations, the ones who have been sexually abused, the ones who have actually been the abusers, the ones with previous drug problems....there are way too many stories to cover in one post. All in all, this job is incredibly interesting, but I feel as though I should aim for something that pays higher. This level of work is valued a lot, but it's not paid or rewarded enough. Random note...watching Just Married. The part where they are laying in bed in this ugly run-down hotel, and the cockroach crawls on his neck.....yeah, that'd be me. I've decided. I saw my first live cockroach one day at the agency and almost reacted that way without even having touched it.

I feel exhausted but I know I shouldn't considering I took a thirty minute nap in between breakfast and my meeting. I do however think it would be a bright idea to get a jumpstart on my homework, especially since I spent most of the evening pissed off. My assistant coach, who is now apparently the "head" coach, told me that she's not letting me work my job during the spring. As soon as those words somehow gracefully flowed out of her mouth I had to fight back the urge not to rip her a new one on the spot. I CANNOT stand to be pushed around my someone who will lord my scholarship over my head to make me do anything she pleases. I am an independent woman and I will not have someone force me to ask my father for help, ever. She's incredibly lucky that I kept my racing thoughts to myself.

Okay writing about this is making me more angry. I'm going to just imagine the hug and backrub I need. Homework time.